Monday 11 May 2020

Time




Just before the lockdown was set in place, and we were blessed with the freedom to leave our houses for reasons other than emergencies and a series of walks that no one would ever have taken before quarantine began, I went on three dates with a guy I met online. He was great, treated me nicely, pulled my chair out for me when I sat down and paid for my dinner when we went out to eat, he was a nice guy. Thing is, there just wasn't anything there for me and, whilst I enjoyed his company, I knew I didn't feel any kind of romantic or sexual attraction to him.

He, however, seemed to feel the opposite, and at the end of said third date slipped into the conversation that he was my boyfriend. I freaked out, panicked, and ran into my house whilst messaging my friends who thought it was really great that I'd met someone. They were happy for me, but I just wasn't feeling it and, in turn, was kind of scared.

The freaking out amped up a notch when, after returning from a trip, he turned up at my house uninvited at 8pm wearing rubber gloves and a face mask to give me a gift he'd brought me from Italy. Now, I don't like people knowing where I live, never have done. I don't know if it's because I move around so much or because it takes a lot for me to feel safe and comfortable somewhere, but my house is my house and, for the most part, I'm happy being there alone. To some it would have seemed like a romantic gesture, it's a scene straight out of every teen movie after all, but for me, it was too much, and I had to end it.

In contrast to this, I put up with being with my ex on and off for three years without us ever admitting we were together. He never told me he had any form of feelings for me, but we were a couple. Our "arrangement" as he called it began on odd terms where he misunderstood how I felt about him, and we carried on in the same vein until he finally got a girlfriend a few years later.

There are some days I think of that sentence in my head and rephrase it as "someone he wanted people to know he was with" which really says a lot about my self-esteem.

When I was with River last year, he would never put any labels on our relationship because it made him feel uncomfortable, despite the fact that he was essentially living with me at one point. He would only see me once a week, often tell me that I was supposed to be a one night stand and all in all make me feel like crap. In spite of how unhappy I was, in spite of how many times I told myself he needed to go, I refused to end things. I don't know if it was in fear of being alone, or because I am used to the one being left and, subsequently, hurt, but I just didn't feel able to do it. As it turns out my refusal to end things myself became irrelevant, as he broke up with me via text anyway, citing my BPD as his reasoning.

Not a nice guy in the end.

What I'm struggling with at the moment, and by struggling I mean inexplicably trying to unpick as a way of deflecting from being governmentally required to stay alone with my thoughts 24 hours a day during the anniversary of the worst month of my life, is trying to work out why I do this. Why do I freak out when someone who treats me well and wants to be with me, but allow myself to be hurt by someone who treats me like garbage? For a long time, I thought it was purely because I thought it was the treatment I deserved but, lately, I'm wondering if there's more to it than that. Am I really as afraid of getting close to someone as I seem to be?

I don't know if it's a BPD thing or something else, but right now I feel completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and somehow scared of getting close to anyone whilst simultaneously emotionally drained as a result of being alone.

Ah, quarantine brain, you got to love it.

xXx

Sunday 10 May 2020

Will I?



The night I was raped, I came home, laid on my bed and listened to Will I from the Rent soundtrack whilst eating Mini Eggs. It's been 6 years, and each and every time that moment clocks around I have the same response to those questions.

1) Will I lose my dignity?

Yes. Your dignity will disappear the second you need your friend to hold a glass of your pee because the police officers you called will be in vague search of the DNA of the man that raped you. That feeling of loss of dignity never goes away. It's gone, you don't get that back.

2) Will someone care?

They will, for about a year, They will care from the moment you report the rape until the end of the trial that sends him to prison. After that, you're fare game. People don't care anymore, but you carry it on day after day.

3) Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

No.

xXx 

49 thoughts on 50 shades of grey



I'm halfway through watching Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time and, to be quite honest, I have thoughts. So. Many. Thoughts.

Here are a few of them

1) I don't care who you are, what supposed college student with a 4.0 GPA turns up at an interview without having done the tiniest bit of research? Yes, it's very nice of you to be covering for a friend but all you're doing by not preparing is making her look bad. You're representing her by carrying out the interview, and you're making her seem incompetent.  Furthermore, the fact that she turned up to an interview without a pen makes my blood boil. Admittedly she's not a journalism major, but she is a student. This might be the writer in me talking, but the thought of leaving the hour without a pen when the soul purpose of your assignment is to ask written questions seems really fucking dumb.

2) Who, I repeat, WHO introduces themselves to someone's mother the first night after they sleep with them? This may be my raging aversion to forming lasting romantic connections talking, but surely you should at least discuss it first before waltzing out like it's date number 50 and you're on your way to brunch rather than having just boned her son for the first time. I was with my ex on and off for three years and do you know when I met his parents? Never. Absolutely never, and I was more than happy with that.

3) When the 2010's answer to Bluebeard revealed how he was first introduced to the dom/sub world, he tells her that it was as a result of becoming involved with his mother's friend when he was 15. FIFTEEN. Regardless of where in America he is supposed to have grown up, from my 30 seconds of googling I can not find a single state where the age of consent is lower than 16. So not only was he seducing her friend's son really, really creepy, it was also illegal.

4) "I don't make love, I fuck hard."

There are no words for that little gem, other than, who the fuck got away with writing this script?

5) This is a very specific one, but there is nothing in the start of the contract that he gives her that identifies himself as the dominant and her as the submissive. For all she knows, she could be giving written permission for his window cleaner to go to town on her with Love Honey's full back catalogue, but that's just a minor nitpick.

6) Still on the contract. When he says she agrees to take the pill, is she agreeing to let him choose the doctor or the brand of the pill she takes? What if she doesn't like the pill? What if she goes past a sign one day and gets blood-boilingly angry because a sign is too orange and then decides she can't take it anymore WHAT THEN WRITERS WHAT THEN?

7) Is she searching Getty Images for her research into the term submissive? Because they're really not that educational. Surely introductory research requires at least a 5-second glance at a Wikipedia page?

8) Back to the contract. If his sex dungeon or whatever he wants to call it is red, surely it would be clearer to have a safe word that isn't, red. Slightly pedantic one may say, but safewords are meant to be something completely unrelated to the situation you are in, in order for those involved to know that they are being said. The word red could be misconstrued as a comment on the color of the room. Safety first people

Moving on.

9) I'm impressed with the fabric of the shirt she wears that he is able to roll over her shoulders and use as a blindfold without getting tangled in knots. Looks comfy.

10) Did he bring a wine glass of ice cubes with him? What if she'd said no? Who does that? While we're here, why do her bedsheets match the shirt she wore when she first interviewed him? Is it a nod to how their relationship has changed since the start of the film, and that instead of representing her inexperience by covering her up the sheets now represent the freedom she feels with him given that she lays on them naked while he dominates her? Or did they just have extra fabric lying around?

11) I get that she's meant to be passive, but does she talk like she's nervously introducing you to the relaxation room at a spa through the whole franchise? Does her increase in confidence strengthen the tone of her voice or is this just how she's going to talk? Side note, I'm glad she's finally brushed her bangs.

12) I take back what I said about the bangs, but those chairs look comfy. Think the lighting team might have gotten a tad too excited with the symbolism during the contract confirmation scene though. We get the reference to the red room and the indication of the sun setting on her innocence as she signs herself over to be his submissive, but it's really hard to see what's going on.

13) She just asked him what but plugs were. Let's just leave that there.

14) Very nice of them to bring snacks in, although it would probably have been better if they'd have been there before the meeting started. Also, they're discussing a contract, not a non-disclosure agreement.

15) Much like myself, Mr G. has reiterated throughout the whole movie how he doesn't do dating but is buttering her up by saying they can go on a date once a week? Isn't this a tad counterproductive? He's rewarding her for being happy with the fact that they are engaging in these acts whilst not being a couple by acting like they're a couple?

That one struck a nerve.

16) This may be the first part of the movie where I actually like her character, props for standing by your guns and leaving girl. Although I really don't think anyone actually does that lip-biting thing.

17) Hell yes, girl on the return of the patronising platonic kiss.

18) He's holding people up in the queue to get off stage, this is a big auditorium and they have a lot of people to get through. Also, the fact that he's now begging her completely contradicts the rest of the film.

19) Okay? OKAY? After all that she just gives him her answer whilst shaking hands on the way off stage after collecting her diploma?

20) GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT WOMAN

21) That's a really pretty dress she's wearing for drinks after the ceremony.

22) This man is the king of mixed messages. He doesn't do the "girlfriend" thing but walks over to her and her dad 30 seconds after she agrees to sign a contract to be his sub? And what's with the friend saying he's her boyfriend?

23) Just casually introducing yourself to your sub's father. Because, why not?

24) It's really rude to sell someone's car without their permission, and I don't even know how they did that. Isn't there paperwork involved in these sort of things?

25) Along with her friend, I'm not the biggest fan of her mother. Crapping out on her daughter's graduation because her husband somehow managed to hurt his foot playing golf, and then guilting her for not telling her about her boyfriend when she'd have met him had she turned up at the graduation like she was supposed to? Shitty behaviour my friend.

26) I'm really not sure why she's crying.

27) I like that dress though

28) Does he keep that key on him all the time?

29) I just got annoyed with her taking her arms down without his saying so but I'm well aware that's an issue that's entirely on me

30) What is it with the lip biting? I know this thing was based on Twilight fanfic but sheeesh.

31) Aw, he braided her hair for her, that's quite sweet. If a little personal.

32) The hair braiding is dragging now. Kind of seems like it took him way longer to do than it was meant to but they couldn't be bothered to re-shoot.

33) He had a hairband on him, that's convenient.

34) I don't feel him in jeans.

35) Those are some hella delayed reactions

36) She looks like she's about to begin a rendition of "I'm a little teapot"

37) Side note, what the fuck is the purpose of that song?

38) I don't really understand the point of that exercise.

39) If nothing else, this film is an ASMR dream.

40) She has nice boobs

41) I could have gone my whole life without having seen him smell her underwear and I'd have been a happy woman. Now I feel the same way I did when I accidentally my head chef without pants on.

42) Those jeans are at a really weird height.

43) Here we have another cover of Crazy in Love because, apparently, we didn't have enough of them.

44) I get that she was supposedly exhausted from the fucking but was the awkward carrying her to bed thing really necessary? Surely she could have walked. And why are we now going straight from an intro round to his red room to dancing together before they go out to dinner with his family? The dancing, song choice and upcoming dinner arrangements really don't fit with his "I don't do girlfriends" ideology.

45) Now I know what I look like when I dance, and it ain't pretty.

46) Early on I thought the her-friend-his-brother thing was just casual but apparently, they're also a couple and are also sat comfortably around the dinner table. Cosy.

47) She's just revealed that she's going to Georgia to visit her mother, a decision that seems to have been made within the final 10 seconds of dinner, and he's "palm-twitchingly mad' (the film's words not mine) to the point that he carries her over his shoulder to give her a "you're mine, all mine" speech. I didn't realise the not a couple thing prevented her from seeing her family. Was this in the contract? Must have been somewhere between anal fisting and cable ties.

48) I'm actually on her team at this point. He is confusing as hell and, although I don't get her obsession with sleeping in the same bed, I do get her frustrations. I feel there's a whole other nerve being triggered here though so that's a subject for another day.

49) I've had enough now. He just used the phrase "I had a rough start in life" and now it's time for me to wash my eyeballs until the image of the underwear smelling goes away.

xXx