Monday, 20 August 2018

BLOG TOUR: The Girl in the Storm

When I was at uni, I had two types of books on my shelves. The ones on my module reading lists, books I'd read but not necessarily enjoyed, and a hench ass pile of trashy favourites with appalling storylines.

One of these types of genres that I love so much is dystopian YA fiction. An odd one I know, but give me a series where an entire city has been wiped out by killer rain or a high school that's on lockdown because of a ridiculously specific virus that destroys the minds and bodies of anyone over the age of 18 and I'm there, which is why I signed up for this latest book tour.

The Girl in the Storm by Ceri A. Lowe focuses on the lives of a group of people living in the aftermath of a series of deadly storms. A percentage of people seemed to be living above ground, and a percentage below. I say seemed to be because there was one big, big flaw with this book.

I had no idea what was going on.

The Girl in the Storm is the second part of the Paradigm trilogy and, having not read the first one (as I didn't know it existed) I had no understanding of the plot. Obviously, I could pick up the bare bones of it such as the way governments were attempting to repopulate the earth, that families were being constructed and destroyed and that there were vastly different things going on above ground compared to below, but there was still a lot missing.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy this book, I really did, it was blissfully easy to read and something you'd definitely love if this genre is something you're into, but I really needed to have read the first book before I started in order to grasp a better idea of the plot.

Usually, if I don't understand or enjoy a book I won't bother with the rest of the series. It's like people who watch TV shows only to say "the first series isn't very good but it gets better." This just seems totally pointless to me. I'm a busy woman, I've got shit to do and I have no time for wasting what energy I do have reading or watching something I don't enjoy. In this instance, however, I do plan on picking up the first book in the series, The Rising Storm, before coming back to this book. I really enjoyed what I could piece together, I'd just prefer to have been a little more clued in.

All in all a really good book, and a perfect choice for fans of the Hunger Games or Maze Runner series. 6/10 without having read the first book, but I'm sure it'll have a higher when I come back to it.

Pick up The Girl in the Storm on Amazon.


Sunday, 12 August 2018

My Imaginary Friend


One of the problems with BPD is that my brain never shuts up, not really. I'm always focusing and obsessing about something, be it a hobby or a thought or a book or a film. I'm constantly obsessing and it's exhausting.

The big problem with these obsessions is that they don't always exist, not really. I've always wanted to be loved, more than anything. As a teenager, I used to watch One Tree Hill and sob and sob and sob because I wanted so badly to find a relationship like the ones they pictured on the show. I craved for someone to hold me, to want me, to love me. I needed it more than I could ever possibly describe but, in true BPD fashion, I thought it was impossible, so I pretended it didn't exist.

Ironically, that feeling is still there, but it's also accompanied by a refusal to get romantically close to people. I joke about my commitment phobia but it really is a big part of my life. BPD is characterised by a fear of abandonment, so I've always refused to let myself get close to people in case they leave. When you have someone close to you, and you get used to them being there, the gap they leave when they do go is far far more painful to live with than the pain of being alone. 

My recent forage into dating was pointless, really really pointless. I knew it was destined to fail from the start. For one thing, he was separated (aka still married and clearly hung up on her) and he also had two kids. I have nothing against people who've reproduced, but I'm not willing to enter a child's life only to disappear on them when I leave again. It's simply not fair.

Plus if I'm honest I really wasn't attracted to him.

My other impossible obsession is my weight, and the two go hand in hand. As much as I pretend to be happy with my body I would still trade every single part of my existence to be "thin". To reach the non-existent goal weight that I conjured up when I was 13 and never managed to reach. I've been close a couple of times, but even then I still wasn't happy.

If anything I was even more miserable but that's beside the point.

What the point is is that, even at the age of 26, I'm still convinced that the only way I will ever be loved is if I become thin. That I'm unlovable because of my weight. I think about food every second of every day and it's exhausting. I'm longing for something that doesn't exist, that never will exist, and for an impossible situation that I've made up in my head.

This is why it's time for me to leave again. It's time for me to really, truly be by myself.

Only 3 months to go.