Sunday, 27 November 2016

Would I?

I’m feeling pretty lousy today. Nothing too terrible, just a general feeling of achy-ness and ugh. I have an important day ahead of me tomorrow, so I’m trying my best to prevent any further feelings of grossness by spending my Sunday curled up in bed reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac. 

As is to be expected, my mind is doing quite a bit of wondering. I envy those people who can complete relax and switch off, I don’t remember the last time my brain stopped moving. My thoughts have a tendency to bounce around at a mile a minute, but this afternoon they keep returning to the same place.

If I had the chance, would I choose to live without my BPD?

I’ve touched on the good parts of my condition before, the earth shattering euphoria that explodes through my body like lightening, my hopeless romantic nature that believes everything will work out okay in the end. For the longest time, I refused to take any form of medication on the basis that I was willing to withstand the lows in favour of the highs. But lately, I’m not so sure. 

Whilst I’ve only had one really bad spell this year, a result of a particularly horrendous and humiliating breakup, on the whole, my mood has been pretty dark for quite a while. The highs are still there but are lasting less and less time each go, and I feel detached and miserable a lot of the time. 

My delusions are becoming far more frequent as well, as are the suicidal thoughts. For the past few days, I’ve been sporadically convincing myself that taking my own life would allow me to start over, to undo all the mistakes I’ve made that have led me to where I am now, and to complete fix all of my problems. When my mood lifts slightly, I realise how dangerous and impossible this is, but these thoughts are still there. 

In all honesty, I really don’t know. Right now? Maybe, but that’s not to say I’ll feel the same in a few hours, days, weeks or months time. There is no cure for what I have, and I highly doubt much effort is going to be made into finding one anytime soon. So for now, I’m diving back into bed and into my book, because if there’s anything that’s going to give my brain some solace for an hour or so, it’s spending some time on the road.