Sunday, 13 August 2017

The girl [not] on the train

Why is it that when you’re feeling down it only takes the slightest thing to break you? It can be the smallest thing like spilling your coffee or tripping over the cat and you burst into uncontrollable tears and end up looking like a grade A lunatic sobbing in the corner of the train station. 

Which I’m doing right now because I missed my train. 

I’m in a lot of pain at the moment, hurting a hell of a lot for reasons I can’t get anyone to understand. My life isn’t meant to be like this. I’m not supposed to be here and yet once again I’ve spent my afternoon walking around the town I grew up in lamenting the fact that I’d rather be anywhere else but here. I’m not supposed to be in England, that wasn’t part of the plan. 

Now I’m fully aware that the universe doesn’t owe me anything, that I have no right to complain because I have so much to be thankful for. Physically I’m healthy, I have a roof over my head and get to do the thing I love most in the world as a career. But I’m still hurting. I still don’t want to be here, I still want to get away. 

As much as I’ve been hurting lately I didn’t expect to feel this bad for so long. Didn’t expect to feel suicidal again, didn’t expect to end up in the mindset that, if I died, I could come back and start all over then. Rationally I know this isn’t true, rationally I know that I didn’t miss my train because I ate breakfast this morning, rationally I know that my weight has nothing to do with the recent events that have led me to feel this way. But that doesn’t mean that that’s not what I’m thinking. 

People around me have no reason to worry, just because I want to die doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything to make it happen. But it’s still there, it still hurts, and I’m still sat in a coffee shop crying my eyes out. 

All because I missed my train.


Sunday, 6 August 2017

It's okay

When I got back from travelling, I decided I needed to completely change my blog and took a lot of posts down, only leaving the ones that involved my trip and removing any trace of my mental health or past experiences with job hunting or relationships. I've been trying to separate my work pre-trip and post trip, and move forward in a way that will be most successful.

Today, curled up crying on my friend's sofa while he's at work with a stress headache that could kill a walrus and the beginnings of an eye twitch (the tell tale sign that my body is about to tip itself over the edge) I've decided to put some of them back. I wanted more than anything for my trip to be this gorgeously idealistic exploration in self discovery, from which I would emerge phoenix like from the ashes transformed into a picture of serenity and calm but, unsurprisingly, my mental health issues are still there still there.

I'm struggling a lot with the 'sad' part of my BPD at the moment. For a reason I can't seem to work out I'm feeling under so much stress and it's affecting my mind and body quite badly. My hair is falling out, my skin is blistered and bleeding and sometimes I can barely breath.

To put this into perspective, I haven't had a full blown panic attack for months, maybe even up to a year, and my hair hasn't fallen out since I took my GCSE's.

I've definitely made progress though, slowly turning my back on old copying mechanisms and doing my absolute best to keep it together. What's more I'm trying to be a bit nicer to myself, to ease up on the self flagellation and try and give myself a break.

As much as it sucks, sometimes things just aren't okay and we feel sad. But that, in itself, is okay.