Things are very up and down at the moment, some parts amazing and some really bad. I broke up with River, who I'd wanted back for so long that us being back together felt like an act of God that I never deserved. As a result of this, I ignored every time he attacked me, every time he through me on his bed, pinned me to the wall, covered my mouth to hide my screams as I begged for help and he called me all the names under the sun. I'm out now, and I have an amazing man that makes me smile whenever I think about him. He's perfect, he saved me and, because of this, I'm eternally afraid that he's going to leave me.
I know he won't hurt me though.
Another thing that's going on is that the man who raped me has a hearing to see if he can be moved to a lower security prison. A prison that would allow him out on day release or to leave prison for a few days at a time. If I'm honest, I don't know how I feel. What hurts me is that him being released undoes all the good I thought I'd done. It allows me to warrant the pain I caused everyone I love by getting into that fucking car, allowing him to rape me. I always thought he'd be there for the rest of his life, I made that happen, it helped me atone for the cause of my stupidity that hurt people I loved. If he gets out, everything I did will be for nothing, and I just hurt people.
The only way I know how to explain to people that I don't want to go back is by saying that, if I do, I put everyone I love at risk, which is true. My name is Jess Howard, I'm easy to find. Yes, I can get a restraining order against him, but people break them all the time. The only way I can get people to understand that I don't ever, ever want to return to England is by telling them that a) I don't want to return to a country where I have to have a restraining order against someone to keep them away from me and b) That going back puts my whole family at risk.
I reality, I just don't want to.
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