I am every f*cking thing

I've got a dank ass attitude on me today. I've also got tickets to see Pulp, a band my mum's cunt of a boyfriend likes. He does not have tickets to Pulp, so I'm going to spend this post throwing shade at the fat cunt to rub it in. 

I have his sister on Facebook, so I probably won't share this post. 

My mum's boyfriend treats her like trash. He puts her down, calls her stupid and left her after 27 years during his very late midlife crisis when he thought he could do better. He couldn't, obviously, and despite spending months on the phone to my brother telling him he would never go back to her while he was listening to my mum cry herself to sleep, he moved back in last year. 

I could not hate a weapon of mass destruction as much as I hate this human cum stain. 

He also treats me like trash. He screamed at me throughout my childhood, called me mean and hurtful for wanting to spend Christmas with my dad and told me the overdose that landed me in the hospital was "really annoying". He also told me I should be in therapy for being such a cunt. 

True, but that's not the point. 

The Pièce de résistance was his staying friends with the psychopath that kicked me out and made me homeless at 19, formally known as my cousin. Had he not buried her cat alongside my cat ,I maybe could have let that one go. But he did, so I didn't.

Although let's face it, I was never really going to let that go. 

The point of this post isn't to slag him off, although it's a big part of it. The point is to talk about my mum. My mum is a wonderful woman; she's ridiculous, beautiful, and so fucking good at what she does that she gets paid $120 an hour. But she's weak. She still stays with this piece of human excrement that left her after nearly 30 years, let him back into her life and her home and treated her only daughter like trash. She's an amazing person, but when it comes to him, she has absolutely no strength. She's weak, she has no backbone, and she made me who I am. 

When most people say this, they mean that they got their best attributes from the person they are talking about. For me, it's the complete opposite. I am strong, powerful and everything that I ambecause I have no desire to be anything like her. I always thought that meant that I got my strength in general because of watching how she acts in general, but things are changing. From now on, I'm refusing to be like her because I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who makes me weak. Who makes me doubt things and treat me like shit. I refuse to be anything like her because I refuse to let anyone treat me the way he treats her. 

I'm Jess fucking Howard. And I did not make it this far in life, allowing myself to be treated like vomit. 

xXx

How to protect yourself while you travel

As a solo female traveller, it is important that I have travel insurance or medical protection when I travel. Not just for my own safety, but to protect my belongings as well. Travel insurance is also important for protecting you financially against any extenuating circumstances while you're on your trip, such as bad weather affecting flights or hotels being closed down. 

Here's a list of how travel insurance has benefited me on my trips, alternatives to travel insurance when travelling long term and the travel insurance services I have used while travelling. 

Ambulance rides 

When I lived in Melbourne I hurt my back and couldn't move for a week. When I eventually tried to go back to work I hurt my back again and was in so much pain that I couldn't move. I didn't think to get an Uber to the hospital and instead called an ambulance, which ended up costing me $1,200. The medical treatment itself was free thanks to the reciprocal health agreement between Australia and the UK, but that didn't cover the cost of getting to the hospital. 

I understandably freaked out when I got the bill but thankfully I paid for insurance before I left. Although I had to pay for the journey initially, I was able to claim the money back through my travel insurance by filling out a simple form. It was easy to get the money back and the cost of my insurance was a lot less than the cost of the ambulance ride. 

Country specific alternatives to travel insurance 

As a UK citizen I am eligible for free medical care under the reciprocal health agreement, but this isn't the case for every country. If your country does not fall under a similar agreement there are services that you can apply for that will protect you while you travel. 

In Australia this is called Medicare. It's a service that you can apply for that provides you with free hospital care and can give you discounts on medical appointments through a partial refund process. You are also able to apply for these refunds after the appointment by applying with your receipt online. All you need to do is fill out a form and you will be sent a physical card and can also use a digital card by downloading the myGov app. It's easy to do and definitely worth it to protect yourself while you travel. 

Ontario also have a similar system called OHIP. Find out more about applying for Medicare and OHIP via these sites. 

Australian Medicare: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/enrolling-medicare?context=60092

OHIP: https://www.ontario.ca/page/apply-ohip-and-get-health-card

Sexual health

Protecting your sexual health is just as important as taking care of your physical health no matter where you are in the world and I have been able to receive great sexual health care whilst I've been travelling. In Toronto I was able to access free sexual health care at the IWHC which specialises in treating immigrant, refugee and marginalised women in Toronto and they offer a variety of services including testing and treatment for sexually transmitted diseases, birth control options and smear tests. There are charges for certain services such as IUD insertion, but for the most part they provide free care. 

The Northern Territory have a similar service called Clinic 34. They have locations across the Northern Territory and offer free sexual health screening as well as a variety of other services. Those in need can also access their needle and syringe program which provides free injecting equipment and sharps disposal and provide access to drug treatment programmes and support for those in need. Sexual health and drug issues can affect us wherever we are in the world and it's important to know the services that are available to you. 

Sexual health screenings are also available online. Information about services, costs and telehealth services can be found on the STI Clinic Australia website https://www.sticlinicaustralia.com.au/, 

Private health insurance

When I lived in Toronto I had to have route canal surgery. The surgery itself obviously wasn't a pleasant experience but the biggest shock was the cost. I paid over $1,500 for appointments, surgery and follow ups which weren't covered by OHIP. This made me realise that the cost of dental care is a lot higher than I had first thought.

This means that I became very cautious about dental care once I moved to Australia. I knew that I would not be able to pay for anymore dental treatments of that level out of pocket and dental care is not covered by Medicare either. 

It was important to me that I didn't have to pay such a high amount again and so I decided to invest in private health insurance. I chose Bupa as it had the best cover for my needs and offered 8 weeks free when I signed up. Paying for this service gave me significant discount on dental treatments. You are able to pay fortnightly, monthly or for longer periods of time and the staff were incredibly helpful. 

This service also benefited me when I was bitten by a mosquito in 2024 and developed MRSA. Once again my ambulance ride was not covered by Medicare or the reciprocal health agreement but I didn't have to pay anything to be taken to hospital thanks to my private health insurance. 

Travel insurance providers I have used

I have used the same travel insurance provider when I've been travelling around Europe since I first started travelling. My dad is a postman in England and so he bought me fliers about the UK Post Office travel insurance. They provide great easy to use travel insurance for my short term trips across Europe and I felt comfortable using a service based in my home country. I also used their services when I travelled across the United States and Canada over the summer. I am lucky enough to still have an official UK address and knew that if I had any medical issues and had to be taken home, I would want to be around my family instead of going back to the Australia where I lived alone. 

This service was not suitable for me when I started to travel long term. When I moved to Canada a part of my visa requirements was that I had to prove I had travel insurance. I chose to use World Nomads as it was recommended by the company that I used to apply for my visa and I used the same service when I moved to Australia. They have options for different levels of cover depending on your needs and what you plan on doing on your trip and also provide basic universal cover. I was able to purchase a year's cover when I first moved and extend it for a second year once my first year Visa had expired. The company does not allow you to extend your cover for over two years but they were a very easy service to use during my two year cover. 

Finding cover once you've started travelling

I found it difficult to find travel insurance once I was already travelling which is one of the other reasons that I use Bupa private health insurance. I know that his is not the best way of protecting myself while I travel but financially it was the best choice for me. There are a lot of services and search engines that you can use if you chose to purchase travel insurance while you are already away, and I've found the companies that I have sent enquiries to to be very helpful. 

What travel insurance or health insurance services do you use while you travel?

xXx

Somewhere new

I haven't blogged in a while because I still maintain my fear and insecurity that if no one reads my blog then there is no point in writing it. I've moved my posts back to my previous blog which people actually read to make myself feel a little better, but what it's more important that I stop worrying about what other people think of my writing and just get on with it. 

The last few months have been intense, even by my standards. When I returned from my trip I moved back to Darwin, despite realising that it really wasn't what I wanted. I knew when I left that when I finished my trip I would either want to stay in Darwin forever or never go back again. Turns out it was the latter and leaving Berlin was harder than usual. One of the reasons I didn't want to go back was the fact that the job I had when I returned was no longer available. My feelings towards unemployment are well known and one night before I went to my favourite techno club I sent what can only be described as an honest job application. I didn't care. All I wanted was to apply for any job I could so I didn't have to go back to Darwin with no income. Especially because I had been told I would have an income when I went back to Norther Territory. 

Once back in Darwin I continued my quest for a job and, somehow, managed to secure a position as an assistant manger at an Hotel in what can only be described as the middle of wank ass nowhere. After a brief stint as a bartender at a karaoke bar where I was fired without warning in old-age method of just refusing to give someone hours,  I packed up my shit and moved to Nhulunbuy.

I hated it. The people were nice but the most exciting things that happened throughout my time there was meeting a cockatoo that I named Colin and fed rice cakes on my balcony. I could work out and go to the library, but that was fucking it. I tried, I really really tried, but when I was constantly being undermined by one of my own staff members, struggled with numbers and was reported to HR for an issue that didn't happen on the premises, I realised it was time to go. 

Nhulunbuy is tiny. There are less people living there than the village my mum lives in and the airport is so small that next year they are planning on moving it to the other side of the road. As you can imagine, this airport doesn't fly to many places and given that I didn't want to return to Darwin and that I'm not part of any indigenous community and therefore can not live in Groote Eylandt, Cairns was the only other option. 

And that's how I found myself in Queensland. For the first time in a good 7 and a half years I'm actually living in a place that I'd previously visited, although I don't know if a weekend long vacation two years ago really count. So far I like it here, it's easy to get around, the library is beautiful and aside from the fact that there are even more licensing requirements, which is making finding employment difficult, it's pretty nice. I even have a sweet gig cleaning a hostel for free accommodation and gym use. But, even with all of this, I don't know if I want to stay. 

Darwin was the last "city" I lived in and it was tiny. Before that I lived in Sydney, Melbourne and Toronto and I miss living in places where there are actually things to do. I've agreed to work for a month from my arrival in this hostel, and I'm planning on giving it until the beginning of March to see if I want to stay. I've applied for 61 jobs/bars so far and have only received 4 responses, I have an interview today and I'm holding out hope that it goes well because I'm starting to fall back hating myself for not having a job. If nothing turns up by the end of the month I'll be leaving Cairns, whether that's a good thing or not I don't know. 

Stay safe on the road

J

Back we go

 Tonight I fly from Montreal to Gatwick on a journey that I have absolutely no desire to do. I don't want to go back to England. I never planned on going back to England, but even I will admit that flying over the place on the way to Paris without stopping over to see my family would be a bit of a dick move. 

My issues with England are well-documented and explicitly known by those around me, but they have changed a lot since I left. For one thing, my mum and her boyfriend have broken up and gotten back together, and we no longer speak. I did try to extend an olive branch, but it was met with no response, so I'm guessing we won't be catching up over coffee in my mum's kitchen anytime soon.  To get around this, my mum, brother, and I are all meeting in Cambridge and spending the day together. My dad was going to meet us too, but, as I said before, my parents haven't been together for more than 20 minutes since 2018, and that's more than recently enough. 

Also my brother pointed out that he knows so little about my dad that he doesn't know if he has hair, and if you don't even know that about a person then you probably aren't going to have anything to say over dinner. 

I'm also not looking forward to it because I don't feel very well. I ordered pizza last night and it gave me a very sore tummy so I didn't get a lot of sleep. Especially when combined with the agressive snoring of the people in my hostel room. 

I did my good deed though and set an alarm to make sure the person in my room got up in time to catch her flight home. Katie did the same to me when I travelled from Toronto to Montreal so I wanted to repay the favour. I'm a big believer in good karma. 

There are some things I'm looking forward to. It's going to be very nice to sleep in a double bed in a room by myself, which I haven't done since Jason left Vegas early to get his early morning flight. It will also be nice to use a towel that can actually dry me. Snacks and seeing my family will be good too. I'm only there for a few days and I know that once I get to Fenchurch Street station I'll be fine, I'm just really reluctant to go. 

Fenchurch Street station has the direct route to Basildon. Once I get on I don't have to do anything other than get off at the other end.

I'm planning on getting to the airport for about 5:30 and just hanging around until my flight leaves at 10. Untiln then I'm going to spend my day reading, writing and hunting for something to eat that doesn't hurt my sore tummy. I might go to Notre Damn as well seeing as I'm finally out of yesterday's sensory overload. I'm only going to be in England for a few days, but they're going to be a very difficult few days.

Stay safe on the road

J

I had a shirt

I had a shirt 

I bought it in Paris, on a market stall. I bought it alongside a pair of gold earrings and a pair of shorts that didn't fit. 

I bought a shirt.

It had stripes, black and white. Cropped sleeves to the elbow, a length that sat comfortably below my waist when I work a tank top. 

I had a shirt.

I took it travelling with me. I packed it in bags, took it to Toronto and brought it with me on my search for a life that I could never really have. 

I took a shirt.

I wore it in the hope that I could somehow, someway, make the pain of my condition and the self-hatred of my addiction go away. 

I wore my shirt. 

It got dirty, it got stained. It got torn and frayed and I convinced myself I didn't need it anymore because, after all, it was just a shirt.

But the pain of my condition, the humiliation and shame of my addiction didn't go away.

Not like my shirt 

Learning

I'm finding my work as a freelance writer a little difficult at the moment. I've been losing contracts/clients and it's putting a dent in my confidence. I'm not playing the "they screwed me over" card, nor am I completely blaming myself, but I'm encountering some difficulties that I need to rectify. 

One of the first freelance jobs I got when I arrived in Toronto fired me because I couldn't adjust an image in Photoshop, alongside some confusion with deadlines over Black Friday weekend. I accept my faults in this situation, I told the interviewee that I would be able to learn to use Photoshop when, in reality, that wasn't something I would be able to do in time. There's an unfortunate pattern within copywriting job adverts where writers are expected to be able to create imagery to accompany their work, despite the advert being for a writing job. I don't know if it is happening both ways and graphic designers are being asked to write copy to go with their work, but it's something I am becoming aware of when applying for jobs. 

The second contract I lost happened because I didn't ask enough questions when interviewing the person I was ghostwriting for. A perfectly acceptable reason had I known about the problem and not rectified it, but I didn't. I was not told that I wasn't asking the right questions until after my contract had been terminated, which I had difficulty getting my head around. How was I supposed to know that I wasn't asking the right questions if nobody told me? 

My final contract issue came this morning when, in a similar style to the freelance job I just mentioned, I was told my work wasn't what the client was looking for after the contract had been terminated. Now, I'm not saying every job is perfect for every client, not everyone can be an expert at everything, but I'm finding it frustrating that I'm losing work because I've not done the things my clients want me to do, without them telling me what I have done wrong and giving me a chance to fix it. 

These instances are in the past and I can't change them, but what I can do is learn from them. I was furious this morning when I received my most recent contract termination but after I'd calmed down I started making a list of the things I can take from these experiences. 

1) Accept that I can't do everything. 

I'm not a graphic designer, I don't pretend to be a graphic designer and I've never claimed to be a graphic designer. What I have done though is make promises that I can learn something in a certain amount of time when I can't. I'd really like to learn how to use Photoshop, but this shouldn't be a skill that my being hired as a writer is dependent on. From now on I'm not only going to stop making promises I can't keep, but I'm also going to stop applying for jobs that are looking for skills that are completely out of my capabilities. 

2) Make sure I have an open dialogue. 

When I've had freelance jobs in the past I've always felt like it was a privilege for me to be hired, instead of realizing that a freelancer/client relationship should be an equal and open discussion and that the client was equally lucky to have me working for them. From now on I'm not going to worry about "bothering" people or accept things that I do not find suitable, such as being given too little information or not working to a deadline I can't meet. There is no blame game here, but if I don't feel comfortable and like I have an appropriate relationship with my client, I'm not going to be able to produce my best work. 

3) Take pride in my work 

I realized today that I have a habit of not proofreading my work adequately, be it for a job application or a piece of content, and this is telling me that I'm not taking the pride in my work that I should be. From now on I'm working to see my work less as "begging" someone to employ me or give me a contract to make me feel as if I"m actually a writer, but instead as pieces of work that are there to show people my skills and ability. 

xXx

My Legs

Fabulous, aren't they?

When I think about pain, I think about the pain I feel as a result of my BPD. The agony that exists in a world where I have no idea how or what I'm feeling, or how or what I am supposed to feel. I've always known that my BPD manifests itself as physical pain, but I always assumed one was connected to the other. Until recently. 

I have hypermobility. Hypermobility, scoliosis and sciatica, which essentially means that my joints don't work properly and hurt all the time. Until recently I ignored it and assumed it wasn't a real feeling, but for the love of God being in pain is shit.

My legs are agonizingly painful at the moment. When I lie down they feel like they're on fire and from the waist down I'm in a constant agony that makes things ever so slightly shit. Work hurts, walking hurts, moving hurts, and when I try to sleep they twitch and jerk making it impossible to relax.

Not only is my brain shit, but my body also doesn't quite do what I want either. 

Right now I"m struggling with the fact that I'm in constant pain. I googled chronic pain yesterday and, by definition, it's pain that lasts more than 6 months. I've been living with this pain since I was a kid. Growing pains supposedly, but given that I'm now 29, I'm pretty sure I'm not growing anymore. 

I finally went to the doctors the other day to try and find something that would help me 86 the pain, but it didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to. I was accidentally prescribed Pregabalin, the only medication I've ended up in hospital for, and pain killers that really didn't work. Although I'm proud of myself going, I'm more proud of myself for not taking the pills they prescribed. 

Right now I'm still in pain, but I'm getting more and more used to the idea that it's not only my brain but also my body that affects my day-to-day life. I'm working on trying to find things to help though because, god knows, your girl and excess prescription medication really don't mix. 

xXx