My Legs

Fabulous, aren't they?

When I think about pain, I think about the pain I feel as a result of my BPD. The agony that exists in a world where I have no idea how or what I'm feeling, or how or what I am supposed to feel. I've always known that my BPD manifests itself as physical pain, but I always assumed one was connected to the other. Until recently. 

I have hypermobility. Hypermobility, scoliosis and sciatica, which essentially means that my joints don't work properly and hurt all the time. Until recently I ignored it and assumed it wasn't a real feeling, but for the love of God being in pain is shit.

My legs are agonizingly painful at the moment. When I lie down they feel like they're on fire and from the waist down I'm in a constant agony that makes things ever so slightly shit. Work hurts, walking hurts, moving hurts, and when I try to sleep they twitch and jerk making it impossible to relax.

Not only is my brain shit, but my body also doesn't quite do what I want either. 

Right now I"m struggling with the fact that I'm in constant pain. I googled chronic pain yesterday and, by definition, it's pain that lasts more than 6 months. I've been living with this pain since I was a kid. Growing pains supposedly, but given that I'm now 29, I'm pretty sure I'm not growing anymore. 

I finally went to the doctors the other day to try and find something that would help me 86 the pain, but it didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to. I was accidentally prescribed Pregabalin, the only medication I've ended up in hospital for, and pain killers that really didn't work. Although I'm proud of myself going, I'm more proud of myself for not taking the pills they prescribed. 

Right now I'm still in pain, but I'm getting more and more used to the idea that it's not only my brain but also my body that affects my day-to-day life. I'm working on trying to find things to help though because, god knows, your girl and excess prescription medication really don't mix. 

xXx