Holding On

I always say that I'm too lazy to hold a grudge but that's not technically true. Instead, what I'm too lazy to do is properly deal with how I'm feeling before moving on and starting over. This leads me to resent the person involved yet continuously assume I'm the one to blame, clinging on to them for dear life when in reality I should just say bye Felicia and move on.

The reason I have trouble moving on is that, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, I find it hard to admit that certain people don't deserve a place in my life. I forgive people too easily for fucking me around, yet stay angry at those close to me for tiny, insignificant things. 

That's the thing with BPD, it's the little things that really do matter to me the most.

What I'm trying to do at the moment is work on how I interact with people, and how I decide who does and doesn't deserve forgiveness and a place in my life. It's easy for me to say that I've moved on from something, but that doesn't always mean it's true.

Yet again, it's got a lot to do with my being petrified of being alone.

Abandonment issues? Moi? Never!

xXx 

There's the Door

I've been thinking about an old friend this week, one I rarely (if ever) talk to anymore but who I've been close with in the past.

Or so I thought.

Thinking about our friendship, I realise I've been doing everything in my power to try and make her be my friend from the get-go, despite all indication that it wasn't a good idea. The happy memories are there, but they're interspersed with fights, cold shoulders and my complete denial of the fact that we just didn't get on.

And now that I've thought about it, I realise I do this a lot. I've done it with friends, I've done it with boyfriends and I've done it with fuck buddies. Anyone who has ever shown a fleeting interest in being in my life, only to take it away again, I've pleaded with them to stay. Making myself unhappy in order to please them, in an attempt to convince them to stick around.

Thankfully, I'm finally realising this, and I'm making the conscious decision to step away from certain people that clearly don't want to be involved in my existence. If people do want to be there, they will, it's that simple.

If not, they know where the door is.

xXx 

When BPD attacks

The problem I have with BPD is that the length of my 'attacks' can last anywhere from between three hours and three months or longer, at varying intensities.

I can have ten-minute attacks that feel like my heart is being torn out through my throat, my brain is being pulverised into a million pieces and all the energy I have ever had or will ever have is being drained from me.

Or, like now, I can have episodes that last weeks and weeks and months and months and I feel like my head is spinning a million miles per hour and nothing makes sense. I can't get my head around the most basic of tasks and everything around me is so intense it hurts.

I know I just need to ride it out, to wait until it passes and be patient but it's so frustrating. Living a life in a constant revolving wheel of knowing one day everything will disintegrate again, or craving the future for five minutes of feeling in control is suffocating.

I've never hidden the fact that I want more out of life. That I need something more than the wheel of expectations and normality that I feel I'm supposed to want. The 9-5, the partner, the family. One day I'll get there, I know I will. I'm stubborn as fuck and I've never let anyone or anything stand in my way of what I really really want. Giving up never factors into any of my actions or decisions, it's failure that stops be moving forward.

For now, though, I need to rest.

Happy Sunday

xXx 

That's life

I'm not a fan of loud noises. Unless I'm at a gig or having sex I prefer things to be quiet. My condition means I often feel hypersensitive to things and sound is one of them. 

I was at my mumma's a few months ago and there was a lot of shouting. Not arguing as such just noise. It all got too much and I sat in my room and cried and cried and cried. My mum's explanation was it was just daily life, that it was just the way things are. But that's not good enough for me. 

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel. I live month to month waiting in agony for my next payday. I get up, I go to work and I come home. I spend my weekends indoors because I have no money to do anything and then I burn out, get fucked up and drown myself in guilt for the next few days. When I was in my car on my way home from work last week I drove along screaming 'this can't be it, this can't be it, this can't be it' over and over and over. I don't want to live in this state of numbness waiting for someone to put money in my bank account because I sat at a desk for 8 hours a day, this isn't the life I want to live. 

This morning I started thinking and realised that the 'that's life' mentality that certain people run on doesn't really fit with my lifestyle. Having put a mass rapist in prison doesn't fit into the 'this happens to everyone' category, neither does moving to Canada for a man I only knew for three days or travelling to Berlin because I saw a sign on a window. It may fit and be great for some people, but I'm not one of them. 

I'm now making it my goal to remember this, to remember that this isn't 'it'. Eventually, I'll be in Canada and pretty soon I'll be travelling around France for my birthday. My life hasn't panned out like most people's, and I'm blissfully happy with that. 

Happy Saturday <3

xXx

My Alarm Clock

These past few weeks have been difficult, I feel like I'm going mad. Everything is running at a hundred miles an hour, I can't focus and I'm hyper-sensitive to everything. Even silence screams at me. 

This led to a full-blown meltdown in my car last week. I'd just checked my bank balance (idiot) and couldn't believe that my entire life was revolving around the contents of my account or lack thereof. I drove home screaming that this couldn't be it, my primary focus couldn't be working to pay bills and nothing else. By the time I arrived home I was exhausted. 

I woke up this morning with a different perspective. A comment had been made on a late friend's Facebook, meaning his gorgeous smile popped up on my feed and I spent a few minutes talking to him, and for the first time staring at my alarm clock didn't cause me to tense up. 

One day, soon, I will wake up and it will be the day I leave for Canada. It will be the day that I pick up my bags and get ready to start my new life thousands of miles away. The day I leave will be here, I just have to be patient. 

Happy Saturday :)

xXx