The problem I have with BPD is that the length of my 'attacks' can last anywhere from between three hours and three months or longer, at varying intensities.
I can have ten-minute attacks that feel like my heart is being torn out through my throat, my brain is being pulverised into a million pieces and all the energy I have ever had or will ever have is being drained from me.
Or, like now, I can have episodes that last weeks and weeks and months and months and I feel like my head is spinning a million miles per hour and nothing makes sense. I can't get my head around the most basic of tasks and everything around me is so intense it hurts.
I know I just need to ride it out, to wait until it passes and be patient but it's so frustrating. Living a life in a constant revolving wheel of knowing one day everything will disintegrate again, or craving the future for five minutes of feeling in control is suffocating.
I've never hidden the fact that I want more out of life. That I need something more than the wheel of expectations and normality that I feel I'm supposed to want. The 9-5, the partner, the family. One day I'll get there, I know I will. I'm stubborn as fuck and I've never let anyone or anything stand in my way of what I really really want. Giving up never factors into any of my actions or decisions, it's failure that stops be moving forward.
For now, though, I need to rest.
Happy Sunday
xXx
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