Saturday 24 February 2018

That's life


I'm not a fan of loud noises. Unless I'm at a gig or having sex I prefer things to be quiet. My condition means I often feel hypersensitive to things and sound is one of them. 

I was at my mumma's a few months ago and there was a lot of shouting. Not arguing as such just noise. It all got too much and I sat in my room and cried and cried and cried. My mum's explanation was it was just daily life, that it was just the way things are. But that's not good enough for me. 

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel. I live month to month waiting in agony for my next payday. I get up, I go to work and I come home. I spend my weekends indoors because I have no money to do anything and then I burn out, get fucked up and drown myself in guilt for the next few days. When I was in my car on my way home from work last week I drove along screaming 'this can't be it, this can't be it, this can't be it' over and over and over. I don't want to live in this state of numbness waiting for someone to put money in my bank account because I sat at a desk for 8 hours a day, this isn't the life I want to live. 

This morning I started thinking and realised that the 'that's life' mentality that certain people run on doesn't really fit with my lifestyle. Having put a mass rapist in prison doesn't fit into the 'this happens to everyone' category, neither does moving to Canada for a man I only knew for three days or travelling to Berlin because I saw a sign on a window. It may fit and be great for some people, but I'm not one of them. 

I'm now making it my goal to remember this, to remember that this isn't 'it'. Eventually, I'll be in Canada and pretty soon I'll be travelling around France for my birthday. My life hasn't panned out like most people's, and I'm blissfully happy with that. 

Happy Saturday <3

xXx

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