When I got back from travelling, I decided I needed to completely change my blog and took a lot of posts down, only leaving the ones that involved my trip and removing any trace of my mental health or past experiences with job hunting or relationships. I've been trying to separate my work pre-trip and post trip, and move forward in a way that will be most successful.
Today, curled up crying on my friend's sofa while he's at work with a stress headache that could kill a walrus and the beginnings of an eye twitch (the tell tale sign that my body is about to tip itself over the edge) I've decided to put some of them back. I wanted more than anything for my trip to be this gorgeously idealistic exploration in self discovery, from which I would emerge phoenix like from the ashes transformed into a picture of serenity and calm but, unsurprisingly, my mental health issues are still there still there.
I'm struggling a lot with the 'sad' part of my BPD at the moment. For a reason I can't seem to work out I'm feeling under so much stress and it's affecting my mind and body quite badly. My hair is falling out, my skin is blistered and bleeding and sometimes I can barely breath.
To put this into perspective, I haven't had a full blown panic attack for months, maybe even up to a year, and my hair hasn't fallen out since I took my GCSE's.
I've definitely made progress though, slowly turning my back on old copying mechanisms and doing my absolute best to keep it together. What's more I'm trying to be a bit nicer to myself, to ease up on the self flagellation and try and give myself a break.
As much as it sucks, sometimes things just aren't okay and we feel sad. But that, in itself, is okay.
xXx
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