I'm halfway through watching Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time and, to be quite honest, I have thoughts. So. Many. Thoughts.
Here are a few of them
1) I don't care who you are, what supposed college student with a 4.0 GPA turns up at an interview without having done the tiniest bit of research? Yes, it's very nice of you to be covering for a friend but all you're doing by not preparing is making her look bad. You're representing her by carrying out the interview, and you're making her seem incompetent. Furthermore, the fact that she turned up to an interview without a pen makes my blood boil. Admittedly she's not a journalism major, but she is a student. This might be the writer in me talking, but the thought of leaving the hour without a pen when the soul purpose of your assignment is to ask written questions seems really fucking dumb.
2) Who, I repeat, WHO introduces themselves to someone's mother the first night after they sleep with them? This may be my raging aversion to forming lasting romantic connections talking, but surely you should at least discuss it first before waltzing out like it's date number 50 and you're on your way to brunch rather than having just boned her son for the first time. I was with my ex on and off for three years and do you know when I met his parents? Never. Absolutely never, and I was more than happy with that.
3) When the 2010's answer to Bluebeard revealed how he was first introduced to the dom/sub world, he tells her that it was as a result of becoming involved with his mother's friend when he was 15. FIFTEEN. Regardless of where in America he is supposed to have grown up, from my 30 seconds of googling I can not find a single state where the age of consent is lower than 16. So not only was he seducing her friend's son really, really creepy, it was also illegal.
4) "I don't make love, I fuck hard."
There are no words for that little gem, other than, who the fuck got away with writing this script?
5) This is a very specific one, but there is nothing in the start of the contract that he gives her that identifies himself as the dominant and her as the submissive. For all she knows, she could be giving written permission for his window cleaner to go to town on her with Love Honey's full back catalogue, but that's just a minor nitpick.
6) Still on the contract. When he says she agrees to take the pill, is she agreeing to let him choose the doctor or the brand of the pill she takes? What if she doesn't like the pill? What if she goes past a sign one day and gets blood-boilingly angry because a sign is too orange and then decides she can't take it anymore WHAT THEN WRITERS WHAT THEN?
7) Is she searching Getty Images for her research into the term submissive? Because they're really not that educational. Surely introductory research requires at least a 5-second glance at a Wikipedia page?
8) Back to the contract. If his sex dungeon or whatever he wants to call it is red, surely it would be clearer to have a safe word that isn't, red. Slightly pedantic one may say, but safewords are meant to be something completely unrelated to the situation you are in, in order for those involved to know that they are being said. The word red could be misconstrued as a comment on the color of the room. Safety first people
Moving on.
9) I'm impressed with the fabric of the shirt she wears that he is able to roll over her shoulders and use as a blindfold without getting tangled in knots. Looks comfy.
10) Did he bring a wine glass of ice cubes with him? What if she'd said no? Who does that? While we're here, why do her bedsheets match the shirt she wore when she first interviewed him? Is it a nod to how their relationship has changed since the start of the film, and that instead of representing her inexperience by covering her up the sheets now represent the freedom she feels with him given that she lays on them naked while he dominates her? Or did they just have extra fabric lying around?
11) I get that she's meant to be passive, but does she talk like she's nervously introducing you to the relaxation room at a spa through the whole franchise? Does her increase in confidence strengthen the tone of her voice or is this just how she's going to talk? Side note, I'm glad she's finally brushed her bangs.
12) I take back what I said about the bangs, but those chairs look comfy. Think the lighting team might have gotten a tad too excited with the symbolism during the contract confirmation scene though. We get the reference to the red room and the indication of the sun setting on her innocence as she signs herself over to be his submissive, but it's really hard to see what's going on.
13) She just asked him what but plugs were. Let's just leave that there.
14) Very nice of them to bring snacks in, although it would probably have been better if they'd have been there before the meeting started. Also, they're discussing a contract, not a non-disclosure agreement.
15) Much like myself, Mr G. has reiterated throughout the whole movie how he doesn't do dating but is buttering her up by saying they can go on a date once a week? Isn't this a tad counterproductive? He's rewarding her for being happy with the fact that they are engaging in these acts whilst not being a couple by acting like they're a couple?
That one struck a nerve.
16) This may be the first part of the movie where I actually like her character, props for standing by your guns and leaving girl. Although I really don't think anyone actually does that lip-biting thing.
17) Hell yes, girl on the return of the patronising platonic kiss.
18) He's holding people up in the queue to get off stage, this is a big auditorium and they have a lot of people to get through. Also, the fact that he's now begging her completely contradicts the rest of the film.
19) Okay? OKAY? After all that she just gives him her answer whilst shaking hands on the way off stage after collecting her diploma?
20) GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT WOMAN
21) That's a really pretty dress she's wearing for drinks after the ceremony.
22) This man is the king of mixed messages. He doesn't do the "girlfriend" thing but walks over to her and her dad 30 seconds after she agrees to sign a contract to be his sub? And what's with the friend saying he's her boyfriend?
23) Just casually introducing yourself to your sub's father. Because, why not?
24) It's really rude to sell someone's car without their permission, and I don't even know how they did that. Isn't there paperwork involved in these sort of things?
25) Along with her friend, I'm not the biggest fan of her mother. Crapping out on her daughter's graduation because her husband somehow managed to hurt his foot playing golf, and then guilting her for not telling her about her boyfriend when she'd have met him had she turned up at the graduation like she was supposed to? Shitty behaviour my friend.
26) I'm really not sure why she's crying.
27) I like that dress though
28) Does he keep that key on him all the time?
29) I just got annoyed with her taking her arms down without his saying so but I'm well aware that's an issue that's entirely on me
30) What is it with the lip biting? I know this thing was based on Twilight fanfic but sheeesh.
31) Aw, he braided her hair for her, that's quite sweet. If a little personal.
32) The hair braiding is dragging now. Kind of seems like it took him way longer to do than it was meant to but they couldn't be bothered to re-shoot.
33) He had a hairband on him, that's convenient.
34) I don't feel him in jeans.
35) Those are some hella delayed reactions
36) She looks like she's about to begin a rendition of "I'm a little teapot"
37) Side note, what the fuck is the purpose of that song?
38) I don't really understand the point of that exercise.
39) If nothing else, this film is an ASMR dream.
40) She has nice boobs
41) I could have gone my whole life without having seen him smell her underwear and I'd have been a happy woman. Now I feel the same way I did when I accidentally my head chef without pants on.
42) Those jeans are at a really weird height.
43) Here we have another cover of Crazy in Love because, apparently, we didn't have enough of them.
44) I get that she was supposedly exhausted from the fucking but was the awkward carrying her to bed thing really necessary? Surely she could have walked. And why are we now going straight from an intro round to his red room to dancing together before they go out to dinner with his family? The dancing, song choice and upcoming dinner arrangements really don't fit with his "I don't do girlfriends" ideology.
45) Now I know what I look like when I dance, and it ain't pretty.
46) Early on I thought the her-friend-his-brother thing was just casual but apparently, they're also a couple and are also sat comfortably around the dinner table. Cosy.
47) She's just revealed that she's going to Georgia to visit her mother, a decision that seems to have been made within the final 10 seconds of dinner, and he's "palm-twitchingly mad' (the film's words not mine) to the point that he carries her over his shoulder to give her a "you're mine, all mine" speech. I didn't realise the not a couple thing prevented her from seeing her family. Was this in the contract? Must have been somewhere between anal fisting and cable ties.
48) I'm actually on her team at this point. He is confusing as hell and, although I don't get her obsession with sleeping in the same bed, I do get her frustrations. I feel there's a whole other nerve being triggered here though so that's a subject for another day.
49) I've had enough now. He just used the phrase "I had a rough start in life" and now it's time for me to wash my eyeballs until the image of the underwear smelling goes away.
xXx
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