How I'm feeling today

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately. I always feel like I'm running out of time and that I have to do things straight away when I wake up. I had an hour lie-in today and woke up at 8 instead of 7, and was already having chest pains thinking about the time I had to get things done before I leave for work, even though I don't leave for work until 12. I have plenty of time and not a lot to do, but I still feel worried and upset, convinced that I have to do things straight away. 

Some of this is probably to do with the fact that my time here is coming to an end, and some is probably because I don't want to do what's on my to-do list. I have to tell a friend that I can't come to her leaving drinks. Part of the reason that I don't want to go is that I don't feel comfortable being around alcohol, and the other part is that the last time I saw them was a night that I thought I could give myself time off from my sobriety, and I ended up getting high. I'm very ashamed of this, and although I know this isn't important to other people, I still don't feel able to go. I've asked when she's working to see if we can meet another day, but she hasn't replied yet. 

I'm also worried about a present I have sent her. I don't know if she's going to receive it. I didn't understand how mailing things to her apartment works before I got it sent to her from the Etsy seller I chose. I'm worried that it's not going to get to her and that it'll be sat in the delivery locker without her being able to access it. This would make it a waste of money and a waste of the time and effort that the kind lady who I ordered it from put into trying to get it to her and making such a lovely product. It would have been helpful if she'd explained the process to me properly before I ordered it, but she would not have known that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get the parcel to her. I am scared of contacting the lady who sent it because I don't want to find out if it has all been a waste of time and money. 

Looking at my blog this morning also made me a bit sad. No one reads my posts, and I am embarrassed to share them on Facebook because social media makes me uncomfortable and I don't want people to laugh at me. I don't have the skills or the confidence to take photos myself, so I can't post on Instagram because I use Pixabay photos, and so I paid for an ad campaign on X. I don't 100% know if it has worked, but it only cost me $8, so it doesn't matter if it doesn't work. At least I've made the effort. 

Now I've written my feelings down, I feel a little bit better, and hopefully people will read my post from yesterday. My anxiety comes and goes, and I don't know where this particularly bad patch came from or what set it off, but as long as I keep doing the things I absolutely have to, like taking care of myself and going to work, I will be okay until it eases up. These things just take time. 

xXx

Runaway

I want to run away today from a place that I'm not even in. 

In two months, I leave Brisbane for England and will get back to London on October 24th. I don't know where to go when I land; my dad doesn't want me to go to his house even though he has told my mum that I am okay to stay there, and I can't go to my mum's house because of her boyfriend. I have always made a point of not being in places where I'm not wanted; it's why I moved out of my mum's house at 18 in the first place, and I don't want to start doing it now. 

I hate being in places where people don't want me around. It's obvious when you are not wanted somewhere, and the awkwardness is stifling. When I was at uni, I moved in with a couple who immediately broke up. My other housemate was away, and I couldn't be in rooms with them because of how they acted around me; they had the secrets that permeated the rooms and made them sticky and uncomfortable. I vaguely remember asking what the problem was, but there was never an answer, and so I hid myself away like I'm doing right now. My aunty Jackie has a dog called Betty who sleeps in a crate. Jackie refers to Betty's crate as her safe space, and that's how I feel. I can shut out the world in here. Be alone. Read my books and watch my shows, and I don't have to worry about anyone not wanting me there. I have a right to be here. My four walls and my bed are my safe space, but I have to leave soon, and I won't have a safe space anymore. 

My friend has said I can stay at his Monday through Thursday when I get back to England, which is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. He works away during the week and has a spare set of keys, so I'll be able to stay once I get back from Dublin and then again when I get back from Berlin. I have other friends I can stay with here and there to make up the days in between but the first night back is what's scaring me.

There's no question of me not going back. My flights are booked, and even if they weren't, I can't go to New Zealand unless I get my proof of residency from being at home first. From there, I have the money for my flight and my visa, thank-you tax rebate, and once it's approved and booked, I can go. New Zealand will be the first place I move to sober and the first place I move to where I'm not running away from the denial of my alcoholism. Each place I've moved feels like it has fulfilled a different purpose; New Zealand feels like the place for me to clear my head. To take time and space to let go of some of the last parts of my life in England and see how I feel about the future before I decide if it's time to set down roots and if it is, when, where and how. It's a completely different feeling to how I've felt about moving before, but I have an idea in my mind of what I want and what I need, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it pans out. I might want to run away from England even though I'm not there yet, but I'm not running away from myself anymore. 

I ended up asking my fairy Glenn mother for a favour, and hopefully I'll be able to stay with him the first night I'm in England. At the very least, there'll be somewhere for me to stay the first night I'm there where people want me around. 

Fingers crossed he says yes 

xXx