Runaway

I want to run away today from a place that I'm not even in. 

In two months, I leave Brisbane for England and will get back to London on October 24th. I don't know where to go when I land; my dad doesn't want me to go to his house even though he has told my mum that I am okay to stay there, and I can't go to my mum's house because of her boyfriend. I have always made a point of not being in places where I'm not wanted; it's why I moved out of my mum's house at 18 in the first place, and I don't want to start doing it now. 

I hate being in places where people don't want me around. It's obvious when you are not wanted somewhere, and the awkwardness is stifling. When I was at uni, I moved in with a couple who immediately broke up. My other housemate was away, and I couldn't be in rooms with them because of how they acted around me; they had the secrets that permeated the rooms and made them sticky and uncomfortable. I vaguely remember asking what the problem was, but there was never an answer, and so I hid myself away like I'm doing right now. My aunty Jackie has a dog called Betty who sleeps in a crate. Jackie refers to Betty's crate as her safe space, and that's how I feel. I can shut out the world in here. Be alone. Read my books and watch my shows, and I don't have to worry about anyone not wanting me there. I have a right to be here. My four walls and my bed are my safe space, but I have to leave soon, and I won't have a safe space anymore. 

My friend has said I can stay at his Monday through Thursday when I get back to England, which is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. He works away during the week and has a spare set of keys, so I'll be able to stay once I get back from Dublin and then again when I get back from Berlin. I have other friends I can stay with here and there to make up the days in between but the first night back is what's scaring me.

There's no question of me not going back. My flights are booked, and even if they weren't, I can't go to New Zealand unless I get my proof of residency from being at home first. From there, I have the money for my flight and my visa, thank-you tax rebate, and once it's approved and booked, I can go. New Zealand will be the first place I move to sober and the first place I move to where I'm not running away from the denial of my alcoholism. Each place I've moved feels like it has fulfilled a different purpose; New Zealand feels like the place for me to clear my head. To take time and space to let go of some of the last parts of my life in England and see how I feel about the future before I decide if it's time to set down roots and if it is, when, where and how. It's a completely different feeling to how I've felt about moving before, but I have an idea in my mind of what I want and what I need, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it pans out. I might want to run away from England even though I'm not there yet, but I'm not running away from myself anymore. 

I ended up asking my fairy Glenn mother for a favour, and hopefully I'll be able to stay with him the first night I'm in England. At the very least, there'll be somewhere for me to stay the first night I'm there where people want me around. 

Fingers crossed he says yes 

xXx

Somewhere new

I haven't blogged in a while because I still maintain my fear and insecurity that if no one reads my blog then there is no point in writing it. I've moved my posts back to my previous blog which people actually read to make myself feel a little better, but what it's more important that I stop worrying about what other people think of my writing and just get on with it. 

The last few months have been intense, even by my standards. When I returned from my trip I moved back to Darwin, despite realising that it really wasn't what I wanted. I knew when I left that when I finished my trip I would either want to stay in Darwin forever or never go back again. Turns out it was the latter and leaving Berlin was harder than usual. One of the reasons I didn't want to go back was the fact that the job I had when I returned was no longer available. My feelings towards unemployment are well known and one night before I went to my favourite techno club I sent what can only be described as an honest job application. I didn't care. All I wanted was to apply for any job I could so I didn't have to go back to Darwin with no income. Especially because I had been told I would have an income when I went back to Norther Territory. 

Once back in Darwin I continued my quest for a job and, somehow, managed to secure a position as an assistant manger at an Hotel in what can only be described as the middle of wank ass nowhere. After a brief stint as a bartender at a karaoke bar where I was fired without warning in old-age method of just refusing to give someone hours,  I packed up my shit and moved to Nhulunbuy.

I hated it. The people were nice but the most exciting things that happened throughout my time there was meeting a cockatoo that I named Colin and fed rice cakes on my balcony. I could work out and go to the library, but that was fucking it. I tried, I really really tried, but when I was constantly being undermined by one of my own staff members, struggled with numbers and was reported to HR for an issue that didn't happen on the premises, I realised it was time to go. 

Nhulunbuy is tiny. There are less people living there than the village my mum lives in and the airport is so small that next year they are planning on moving it to the other side of the road. As you can imagine, this airport doesn't fly to many places and given that I didn't want to return to Darwin and that I'm not part of any indigenous community and therefore can not live in Groote Eylandt, Cairns was the only other option. 

And that's how I found myself in Queensland. For the first time in a good 7 and a half years I'm actually living in a place that I'd previously visited, although I don't know if a weekend long vacation two years ago really count. So far I like it here, it's easy to get around, the library is beautiful and aside from the fact that there are even more licensing requirements, which is making finding employment difficult, it's pretty nice. I even have a sweet gig cleaning a hostel for free accommodation and gym use. But, even with all of this, I don't know if I want to stay. 

Darwin was the last "city" I lived in and it was tiny. Before that I lived in Sydney, Melbourne and Toronto and I miss living in places where there are actually things to do. I've agreed to work for a month from my arrival in this hostel, and I'm planning on giving it until the beginning of March to see if I want to stay. I've applied for 61 jobs/bars so far and have only received 4 responses, I have an interview today and I'm holding out hope that it goes well because I'm starting to fall back hating myself for not having a job. If nothing turns up by the end of the month I'll be leaving Cairns, whether that's a good thing or not I don't know. 

Stay safe on the road

J