In all honesty, I didn't expect to lose many friends when I quit drinking and using drugs, because I didn't drink with other people in the first place. For a long time I was drinking alone, but as with everything, getting sober has its surprises.
This solo drinking was happening for several reasons. For one thing, I was drinking at the pubs where I worked and eventually those jobs. I say lost even though I wasn't actually fired; I quit right before I was fired. I was on my way to being banned from the places I worked/drank at and simply quit before my employers could get there first. When I stopped being able to go to my regular watering holes, I stopped going out.
Another reason I was drinking alone was because of the money I was spending. At the time I was living in Darwin, and although drinking culture in the area is insane, the cost of a night out was getting equally ridiculous. All-night drinking sessions with two drinks per visit to the bar were taking a serious toll on my bank account, and I figured that $25 on two bottles of wine was better than $25 a round.
The final reason was quite simply that I like being alone. This wasn't out of shame or embarrassment about the amount I was drinking, as I've heard other recovering alcoholics or drug users have said, nor was it because I was reluctant to share my drugs or alcohol. I'm simply a massive introvert.
Because I wasn't drinking with any friends, I didn't expect to lose friends when I stopped, and
I haven't really lost that many. The friends I have now either knew me before I became a hard-core addict and have maintained their friendship, or haven't seen me at my worst, so I haven't been able to push them away. I expected to get a lot of "Haha, nice try, I know you'll never stop drinking", "Do you remember when you did this?" and "That's probably for the best; you were definitely drinking too much" messages, but none have appeared. People have been really supportive.
Obviously there are exceptions to this. Some people seem to have pulled away, but these are people that also drink a lot. When you're friends with someone who has always drunk more than you or used drugs when you don't, it's easier to look down on them as having a bigger problem so you don't have to acknowledge your own. As my friend put it, I removed the ceiling, and now they are the ceiling, and my getting sober seems to have impacted my relationships with people I've known throughout my drinking and drug use.
That, or I'm reading too much into it, and they just don't want to talk to me. Either or.
Fellow recovering alcoholic Cam Thompson demonstrates it really well in this YouTube short.
The friendships I've lost unexpectedly are with people whose behaviour I no longer want to engage with, because I don't think I deserve to be treated badly anymore. I hated myself for so long that I put up with being hurt because I felt like I deserved it. When you're vulnerable and don't like who you are, you believe that you deserve bad treatment, and so you'll put up with pretty much anything.
The friendship "break-up" in question happened last week with someone I'd known for a few years. We met on Bumble when I first moved to Darwin. Although we hung out a few times with the intention of something romantic happening, we eventually decided that we were better off as friends. For months, he had been asking me really inappropriate questions about my body and sex life. Ranging from whether certain types of underwear are comfortable to whether I'd lost any sexual function after taking SSRIs long-term. The nature of these questions made me uncomfortable in general, especially because they often came out of the blue when we'd be having a completely different conversation about art or books, but they also bothered me for another reason.
They bothered me because each time he asked them, I told them they made me feel uncomfortable and asked him to stop. Instead of apologizing, he would immediately get defensive and gaslight me into thinking that I was the one saying these things. When I was drinking, I didn't know any better; I often woke up not knowing what I'd said to people, and so I'd apologize. When I stopped blacking out, I stopped doubting what I had said to people, and so this time I knew he was lying. Instead of apologizing, he was trying to deflect from his own behaviour by manipulating and gaslighting me into apologizing for something I hadn't done.
He also became rude and aggressive when I asked him not to talk to me this way. With responses ranging from "I won't tolerate being dragged into validating your mindset", still no idea what that means, to calling out my "tone". The final message he sent told me that our friendship would be over if I kept making these non-existent comments and ended with a condescending "Got it?".
One of the positive side effects of not drinking anymore is that I'm not as impulsive with the things I say. I'm no longer lashing out when I'm angry and saying the first thing that comes to mind; instead, I either choose not to reply, end the conversation or wait to send a response. Luckily, I was with my friend Anna at the time, so I had someone there to read it and reassure me that my reaction was justified. We discussed how saying I'd said inappropriate things when I asked him not to was akin to if a student hit someone and then claimed it was okay because they'd hit them two weeks ago.
She teaches first grade.
I didn't reply at first, probably because I'd intended to let it go, but after a day of the message playing over and over in my head, I realized that I had to take some responsibility. By repeatedly putting up with this behaviour, I was showing him that it was okay. There were no consequences for his actions, so nothing was changing.
So I blocked him.
The message I sent wasn't combative or aggressive, nor did I call out his hypocrisy. I simply said that I didn't want to be spoken to like that either and went about my day. I will miss the conversations we had; it's nice to be able to talk to people about shared interests, but I'll make new friends. Friends that don't make me feel uncomfortable or ignore my boundaries. One of my New Year's resolutions was to stand up for myself more, and I'm slowly learning how.
Have you lost any friends in your sober journey?
xXx
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