My anxiety has been pretty bad lately. I always feel like I'm running out of time and that I have to do things straight away when I wake up. I had an hour lie-in today and woke up at 8 instead of 7, and was already having chest pains thinking about the time I had to get things done before I leave for work, even though I don't leave for work until 12. I have plenty of time and not a lot to do, but I still feel worried and upset, convinced that I have to do things straight away.
Some of this is probably to do with the fact that my time here is coming to an end, and some is probably because I don't want to do what's on my to-do list. I have to tell a friend that I can't come to her leaving drinks. Part of the reason that I don't want to go is that I don't feel comfortable being around alcohol, and the other part is that the last time I saw them was a night that I thought I could give myself time off from my sobriety, and I ended up getting high. I'm very ashamed of this, and although I know this isn't important to other people, I still don't feel able to go. I've asked when she's working to see if we can meet another day, but she hasn't replied yet.
I'm also worried about a present I have sent her. I don't know if she's going to receive it. I didn't understand how mailing things to her apartment works before I got it sent to her from the Etsy seller I chose. I'm worried that it's not going to get to her and that it'll be sat in the delivery locker without her being able to access it. This would make it a waste of money and a waste of the time and effort that the kind lady who I ordered it from put into trying to get it to her and making such a lovely product. It would have been helpful if she'd explained the process to me properly before I ordered it, but she would not have known that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get the parcel to her. I am scared of contacting the lady who sent it because I don't want to find out if it has all been a waste of time and money.
Looking at my blog this morning also made me a bit sad. No one reads my posts, and I am embarrassed to share them on Facebook because social media makes me uncomfortable and I don't want people to laugh at me. I don't have the skills or the confidence to take photos myself, so I can't post on Instagram because I use Pixabay photos, and so I paid for an ad campaign on X. I don't 100% know if it has worked, but it only cost me $8, so it doesn't matter if it doesn't work. At least I've made the effort.
Now I've written my feelings down, I feel a little bit better, and hopefully people will read my post from yesterday. My anxiety comes and goes, and I don't know where this particularly bad patch came from or what set it off, but as long as I keep doing the things I absolutely have to, like taking care of myself and going to work, I will be okay until it eases up. These things just take time.
xXx
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