Sunday 21 June 2020

Sorry not sorry


    This image has absolutely nothing to do wit the contents of this post, but it appeared on screen when I type No into Pixabay and who doesn't love a picture of a goat? Also, this post is a tad rambly. 

You know those people who never, ever, seem to be wrong? The ones who, whatever happens, they always manage to get an apology out of you? Yeah, I'm not like that. Somehow, whatever happens, I always feel like I need to apologize. I don't know why it is but, for whatever reason, I always feel like I'm in the wrong and, if I'm completely honest, I'm kind of done with it. 

There was an incident with the magazine yesterday in which I realized I had been working a job that I didn't actually have for four months without being paid. It wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't the worst. What got me the most though is that, when I sent my notes over my (ex) editor, he had a problem with how I phrased them. Apparently, he didn't respond well to my bluntness, and this is something I'm really tired of apologizing for. 

I'm blunt, I have always been blunt and I will always be blunt. Whilst I never deliberately try to hurt someone, I always try my best to be direct. I respond to direct, and I feel no need to sugar coat something just to make someone else feel better. An example of this comes from when I met a friend's boyfriend a few years ago. She repeatedly told me how horrible he was to her, but she had a problem with the fact that I didn't welcome him with open arms and immediately want him to be on my Christmas card list. I will be civil, but I won't fake my emotions if someone is mean to my friend. 

Another example of this was when I was with River. He was living with me at the time, and came home from a night out, got into bed with me and proceeded to tell me how a woman had been grinding up against him all night and told him she wanted to blow him. Unsurprisingly, I was not overly jazzed about this, and when I finally responded with an, ever so, disgruntled "DUDE", he got offended and I ended up apologizing. 

That's right, he felt the need to tell me that he spent his evening being offered oral in a public bathroom and I was the one that apologized. Let's just let that sink in. 

I seem to apologize a lot for being blunt, worrying that I struggle with being tactful when really what I should be worried about is the fact that other people feel the need to react in the way they do. One of the few things I've learnt from my, many, experiences with therapy, is that someone's reaction to your behaviour has nothing to do with you. You can't control how they feel about your actions, and so attempting to modify your behaviour to change them is completely pointless 

Whilst this post may seem as if all I'm saying is "poor me", that's really not the case. What it is saying is that I'm finally realizing that I apologize way, way, too much and it's finally time for me to stand up for myself and accept that I'm not always in the wrong. Yes, there will be occasions where I cock up and I will obviously apologize for those, but I'm done saying sorry for reacting in a way that is perfectly understandable for the situation in hand. I really am over it. 

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