So much more

Don't you just love it when you think you've met a genuinely nice guy and then he ghosts you out of no-where?

I know, it really gets me going too. 

A few weeks ago I met a guy. He was sweet, kind and we had a series of amazing dates. We'd planned another date today which seemed to be all systems go, until Monday when he randomly started ignoring me for no reason. I've texted him checking in, asked if he is okay, and been left on read both times. It seems he really was too good to be true, and I'm not going to lie I'm kinda bummed. 

Part of me has been blaming myself, blaming my condition because I ran out of my meds and wasn't able to get them until yesterday because the chemist I collect them from is closed at weekends (if you're looking for the line of people blaming me for this it starts around the corner btw). Without my meds, I'm not myself, but I feel this is a given. I have an incredibly serious and rare condition and my medication keeps me alive, without it I'm simply who I really am. 

As a result of my unusual behavior over the past few days, I assumed that he did not feel comfortable around my BPD and therefore didn't want to see or speak to me anymore. Leading my brain to lay the blame on myself once again. But now I have my medication I'm changing my thinking. Or trying to anyway. 

The fact is that, although I may have BPD, I'm so so much more than my diagnosis. I'm kind, hardworking, brave and a good person, no matter what I may tell myself. Or what other people may tell me for that matter. It's not simply a case of his loss, that's a given, but more a case of that it's sad that people don't see that, that I don't see that. 

One of the things I'm refocusing on working on is building my self-esteem. I say building not re-building because in order to re-build something it has to have existed in the first place. Yesterday I stood crying by the pastry display at work because of how much I hate myself, and I've blamed myself for every break-up I've ever had. I'm ready to date again, want to date again, but am tired of being with people who ghost or break up with me. I am so much more than my BPD, and it would just be nice if people could see that. 

xXx