At the beginning of the year, I decided that I didn't want to move around as much in 2026 because of how much I travelled in 2025. Obviously, this didn't quite go to plan, and in March, I moved to the third city I've lived in in 3 months and headed to Brisbane. This was partly due to an amazing Pulp gig I went to and partly because Cairns kind of sucked.
When you live in a city filled with backpackers, it can be difficult to find work. After applying for over a hundred positions I was only successful at one position that I absolutely hated due to my being terrible with numbers. Cities where international travellers can extend their visa through working in hospitality are difficult to find work in because employers know that they can treat them like trash and they won't leave. They're there not just because they need the money, but because without the work they have to leave Australia. Work aside I found it difficult to settle in Cairns and, as Brisbane is the largest city in Queensland, it made sense to hop on a plane and head over.
Brisbane has been good for me, but I'm still struggling. I'm using this move to get sober and I thought that finally quitting drugs and alcohol would mean that I would finally feel in control. Finally feel at peace. This hasn't been the case and I'm feeling worse than ever. I feel so ugly that I want to hurt myself every time I look in the mirror and spent a morning not too long ago smacking myself around the head and biting my arms because I felt so hideous. I was telling myself over and over that I'm so ugly I should be dead and, no matter how many days of sobriety I have under my belt, this feeling isn't going away.
I have nobody to talk to here either. My friendships from back home are disintegrating and I'm realising more and more that it's not just people I date that I let treat me badly but a lot of people in general. People say things that are spiteful and vicious and mean and I just sit and take it because I'm so afraid of being alone or rejected. Even though these people say things that they know will hurt me I sit and take it. Because if I stand up to them and they decide they don't want to be my friend anymore I will be alone.
I'm also exhausted. I'm working two jobs to get by and I still can't work my sums out. I feel stupid and useless and pathetic and alone and although I'm trying to make sure my job isn't my entire personality I still find myself stressing about how many hours of work I am getting. I can't talk to people about my job though because they mock it, say I'm going to quit or tell me it's toxic. People are so hell bent on telling me my life is bad and I have no idea why.
Not drinking is actually proving to be easier than I thought. It's still hard and the temptation is still there but the longer I go the more I want to continue. I went out for drinks when my friend left work the other day and I only drank alcohol free beer, which is disgusting by the way, and I made it through my birthday and April 20th completely sober. Tomorrow I'll have been sober an entire month which is probably the longest I've been without a drink since before I moved to Toronto. It's nice to not feel hungover, to know what I've said or done and to not be afraid to re-read the conversations I've had the night before when I wake up but I still feel the same. I'm still broke. I'm still out of control and I still want to hurt myself.
I also don't remember the last time I craved cocaine this much.
Brisbane is lovely though and I've been doing lots of fun things that I haven't been able to do in other cities. I went to see a screening of Toy Story played by a live orchestra, I have tickets to reading of the sequel to a book that I really love in June and next week I went to see Jeff Goldblum's jazz band.
I'm just working hard on focusing on my sobriety, being more present and not making my job my entire personality. I think those are good goals to have.
Jess
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