I'm currently sat sobbing my heart out in Cambridge train station, a cup of coffee to my right and enough wadded up tissues to rival the floor of a teenage boy. Why am I crying? Because I missed my train. Not that much of a big deal, until you come to realise that this is going to make me an hour late for my current internship. The internship that I so so desperately need to be hired for after it has finished, as it's the closest I've come to the possibility of securing a graduate job since I left university over a year ago. An hour late on the Monday of my first full week? Even I wouldn't hire me.
I'm struggling a lot at the moment. I'm eating too much and constantly feel like a complete failure. All my friends are out working great jobs, getting married or having children. I'm a bar maid. A bar maid who, last night, couldn't even make a cup of coffee properly. I am nothing, I'm useless, and I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen. To make it through the day without crying is a world class achievement and I'm dangerously close to feeling suicidal again.
What sucker punches me in the lady parts so much is that I know missing my train and subsequently destroying every chance I have at being employed by my internship supervisors is that I know it's all my fault. I ate so so much last night. Me and Tate ordered Dominoes and I sat repulsively shovelling enough food into my mouth to cure world hunger. I was disgusting, I was revolting and if I could have clawed the food out of my body I would have done. But I can't. That's right, I'm so pathetic and useless I can't even purge.
Knowing your own failure is your fault is soul destroying. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I'm still too much of a waste of space that I can't stop stuffing food into my disgustingly corpulent body, can't find anyone to love me and can't find a decent job. I want these things so badly, and it's breaking my heart to fall at every hurdle.
I've said this a lot, but I just want to give up now. There's no point in my fighting for happiness anymore. I simply don't deserve it.
xXx
