Wednesday, 19 May 2021

Learning

I'm finding my work as a freelance writer a little difficult at the moment. I've been losing contracts/clients and it's putting a dent in my confidence. I'm not playing the "they screwed me over" card, nor am I completely blaming myself, but I'm encountering some difficulties that I need to rectify. 

One of the first freelance jobs I got when I arrived in Toronto fired me because I couldn't adjust an image in Photoshop, alongside some confusion with deadlines over Black Friday weekend. I accept my faults in this situation, I told the interviewee that I would be able to learn to use Photoshop when, in reality, that wasn't something I would be able to do in time. There's an unfortunate pattern within copywriting job adverts where writers are expected to be able to create imagery to accompany their work, despite the advert being for a writing job. I don't know if it is happening both ways and graphic designers are being asked to write copy to go with their work, but it's something I am becoming aware of when applying for jobs. 

The second contract I lost happened because I didn't ask enough questions when interviewing the person I was ghostwriting for. A perfectly acceptable reason had I known about the problem and not rectified it, but I didn't. I was not told that I wasn't asking the right questions until after my contract had been terminated, which I had difficulty getting my head around. How was I supposed to know that I wasn't asking the right questions if nobody told me? 

My final contract issue came this morning when, in a similar style to the freelance job I just mentioned, I was told my work wasn't what the client was looking for after the contract had been terminated. Now, I'm not saying every job is perfect for every client, not everyone can be an expert at everything, but I'm finding it frustrating that I'm losing work because I've not done the things my clients want me to do, without them telling me what I have done wrong and giving me a chance to fix it. 

These instances are in the past and I can't change them, but what I can do is learn from them. I was furious this morning when I received my most recent contract termination but after I'd calmed down I started making a list of the things I can take from these experiences. 

1) Accept that I can't do everything. 

I'm not a graphic designer, I don't pretend to be a graphic designer and I've never claimed to be a graphic designer. What I have done though is make promises that I can learn something in a certain amount of time when I can't. I'd really like to learn how to use Photoshop, but this shouldn't be a skill that my being hired as a writer is dependent on. From now on I'm not only going to stop making promises I can't keep, but I'm also going to stop applying for jobs that are looking for skills that are completely out of my capabilities. 

2) Make sure I have an open dialogue. 

When I've had freelance jobs in the past I've always felt like it was a privilege for me to be hired, instead of realizing that a freelancer/client relationship should be an equal and open discussion and that the client was equally lucky to have me working for them. From now on I'm not going to worry about "bothering" people or accept things that I do not find suitable, such as being given too little information or not working to a deadline I can't meet. There is no blame game here, but if I don't feel comfortable and like I have an appropriate relationship with my client, I'm not going to be able to produce my best work. 

3) Take pride in my work 

I realized today that I have a habit of not proofreading my work adequately, be it for a job application or a piece of content, and this is telling me that I'm not taking the pride in my work that I should be. From now on I'm working to see my work less as "begging" someone to employ me or give me a contract to make me feel as if I"m actually a writer, but instead as pieces of work that are there to show people my skills and ability. 

xXx

Tuesday, 18 May 2021

My Legs

Fabulous, aren't they?

When I think about pain, I think about the pain I feel as a result of my BPD. The agony that exists in a world where I have no idea how or what I'm feeling, or how or what I am supposed to feel. I've always known that my BPD manifests itself as physical pain, but I always assumed one was connected to the other. Until recently. 

I have hypermobility. Hypermobility, scoliosis and sciatica, which essentially means that my joints don't work properly and hurt all the time. Until recently I ignored it and assumed it wasn't a real feeling, but for the love of God being in pain is shit.

My legs are agonizingly painful at the moment. When I lie down they feel like they're on fire and from the waist down I'm in a constant agony that makes things ever so slightly shit. Work hurts, walking hurts, moving hurts, and when I try to sleep they twitch and jerk making it impossible to relax.

Not only is my brain shit, but my body also doesn't quite do what I want either. 

Right now I"m struggling with the fact that I'm in constant pain. I googled chronic pain yesterday and, by definition, it's pain that lasts more than 6 months. I've been living with this pain since I was a kid. Growing pains supposedly, but given that I'm now 29, I'm pretty sure I'm not growing anymore. 

I finally went to the doctors the other day to try and find something that would help me 86 the pain, but it didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to. I was accidentally prescribed Pregabalin, the only medication I've ended up in hospital for, and pain killers that really didn't work. Although I'm proud of myself going, I'm more proud of myself for not taking the pills they prescribed. 

Right now I'm still in pain, but I'm getting more and more used to the idea that it's not only my brain but also my body that affects my day-to-day life. I'm working on trying to find things to help though because, god knows, your girl and excess prescription medication really don't mix. 

xXx