It's the thought process I have around this that got me thinking about how I deal with grief as a borderline. About how I'm able to process something I have such little control of when my desire and obsession with control is often what drives me to engage in the sort of self-destructive behavior us borderlines are known for, as a way of giving myself a break.
When Matt died, it was sudden. There was no way of knowing it would happen and it seemed a cruel irony that it happened in the midst of such a bs time. The fact that I wasn't able to attend his funeral was, if you'll pardon the pun, the final nail in the coffin. I know I made the right decision, I wanted to go to the sentencing, but it still hurt.
With my nan it was different though, I knew it was about to happen. As strange as it may seem my dreams predict death. When I dream of dead animals, or sometimes animals in general, someone, be they human or animal, is about to die. On very rare occasions I predict these things when I'm awake, and on even rarer occasions my strange affinity with animals predicts a good thing. Regardless of whether I was conscious or awake, I'd been dreaming of dead animals since the very end of 2019, and I knew it was her time. She was ready to go, and my brain was preparing me for it as best it could.
As humans, whether we choose to admit it or not, we're inherently selfish. For the most part, we prioritize our happiness over that of others. I wanted more than anything for her to "recover". To escape the virus that is smothering the planet and, once again, come home from hospital. But I eventually realized this wasn't the right way of thinking. There's a video by YouTuber Molly Burke that talks about the difference between praying for others and praying selfishly. I'm not religious, but even I have a vague understanding of trying to communicate with something more in a bid to get what you want, even if it doesn't necessarily benefit the individual in question.
In this instance, she's talking about how her first guide dog died, but the sentiment's the same.
As a borderline, my perspectives on selfishness and grief are blurred. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad about my nan and it hurts that she's no longer here, but my temporary inability to feel the way I think I should be feeling is still playing around. In the same vein as when my friend got engaged, or when my mum's boss died, my feelings aren't constant. I know I should feel sad, but I'm dancing between sadness, happy sadness and not really feeling anything at all. As with so many things, it is what it is, and there really is fuck all I can do about it.
Aside from the obvious question of how I deal with grief as a borderline, this whole situation has got me thinking about how that compares to the way other people deal with such events. Do other people feel grief in the same way? Or is my inability to maintain a steady path of emotions what's keeping me from dealing with my grief?
To be continued.
xXx
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