I can't find anything else written about this so I'm going to write it my God damn self

I thought we could all do with cheering up, so I typed Pupper into Pixabay and this is what I found. 

Enjoy 

It's been posted in passing, but I've yet to find anything I had even the slightest desire to read that discusses how utterly shit the state of the world is if you're a) alone and b) living with mental health issues. We get it you're stuck inside, but given that I have at least 17 different personalities rattling around my brain at any given time it's really hard for me to muster up the energy to give a shit about the fact that don't have anything to do and that Tesco has run out of eggs.  

Right now, I'm feeling it. Not only is this a hella shitty time but I'm also going through it and completely alone. I see people around me complaining about being bored when they're at home with family, pets, and access to a garden, but given that I'm living through this bullshit whilst simultaneously being constantly reminded of the fact that the guy who raped me is in prison living a life void all this crap and, once again, that I wasn't able to say goodbye to my friend Matt who died five years ago because his funeral fell on the same day as the sentencing of aforementioned rapist, I have even less ability to care than usual. 

Things would be bad my end if the world was on lockdown or not, but the fact that I can't distract myself by working or seeing friends is making it worse. I'm living in a permanent state of intense guilt at the moment,  and there's nothing to distract me. Whenever I eat, drink or spend even a cent I feel nauseous, and I find myself searching for something to feel bad about when I wake up each morning. There aren't many symptoms of BPD that I struggle to deal with, but the pain the guilt causes is indescribable. It sits on my chest and curls itself around my fingers, wraps its coils around my throat and slides into my ears where it sits blissfully next to my thoughts. Running down my neck and caressing my spine, I have no idea why it's there and really thought I was done with it once I realized in a long-ago therapy session that the reason my mumma's bf didn't like me growing up really wasn't my fault. 

No shade, we get on like a house on fire now, we just hated each other when I was a kid. 

This post was meant to be about how it feels to be on lockdown when you have mental health issues but it isn't really about that. It's about how there is no way of putting into words how I'm feeling at the moment, but that the tapping of keys and the thud of my fingertips against my laptop is the only thing providing a sound loud enough to even touch the constant drumming of guilt that's been playing in my ears for the past few weeks. 

So who knows.

xXx