Monday 1 March 2021

BPD Questions



Last week I posted a blog with a list of BPD "hacks", or that was my intention. It instead turned out to be a page of exhaustion fuelled rambling that listed a few thoughts about my condition, but I had intended them to be helpful. 

Today, I'm presenting you with a list of questions that, even after all the years I've lived with my condition, I still don't have the answer to. 

Although if you feel the need to tell me the answer to them, 86 that desire, it's only going to piss me off. 

Why do I trust other people's suggestions and opinions even when they're negative?

I had a conversation with someone once about whiskey, well bourbon to be exact. I like bourbon. Double shot, ice, a splash of ginger *chef's kiss*. But then they told me it was a weak (as in not very good quality) drink and I doubted my love of it for a good two or three days. 

I once overheard someone say that the email provider I used wasn't very good quality and subsequently created a new email account, which caused nothing but confusion and I predominately use the first one. 

There are probably a lot more examples, I just can't think of any right now. 

My point is, why do I trust them? When them as given even though I own opinions and experiences to go on? I still like bourbon, I still use the same email account and yet that doubt is still there. 

Luckily I didn't trust the person who said I should just keep my writing as a hobby, because that bitch deserved a punch in the face. 

How on earth are there people on the planet who've never wanted to kill themselves?

This is more of a general question, but it baffles me that there are people on the planet who've never wanted to commit suicide. I feel suicidal and want to hurt myself all the time, I even wrote my suicide note the other day. I've tried it multiple times, it's never fucking worked and I never woke up with a sense of relief that it hadn't worked and that I was still alive because I get very little enjoyment out of being alive. 

To be fair that may be a general mental health question rather than a BPD-specific one. Here's my suicide note by the way. 

And it's a story that might bore you, 

But I'm not in any pain anymore

Fuck yeah I quoted rules of attraction.

Why are the majority of people presented with BPD in the media portrayed as dangerous?

I've recently, as in over the last 2 or 3 days, become a massive Pete Davidson stan. Partly because he's hot, partly because of his bromance with Machine Gun Kelly, but mostly because he's one of the only people in the media with BPD who hasn't been made out to look dangerous or insane. There are no rabbits being put on the stove (I'm looking at you Fatal Attraction) or whatever the character with BPD does in Girl Interrupted, he's just a comedian who happens to have BPD and explains it well without the judgement of the people who he's talking to, which is a new one. 

I would attach a video to the interview where he explains his condition but the comments annoy me. Instead, I'm including one where he explains how to jerk off in a room full of people.

Because I'm helpful like that.

 


Why does everyone think I'm a total disaster?

At the age of 19, despite living with a love of self-harm, the issues associated with having recently spent time being homeless and an undiagnosed mental illness, I went to university. During that time I spent time in a low-key abusive relationship, went through the journey of having my condition diagnosed, tried to kill myself, was told I was too fat to have an eating disorder, was raped and subsequently put said rapist in prison and lost a really good friend of mine. In spite of all this, I graduated with a 2:1 bachelors degree in history of art and literature. 

Since then I've lived in multiple great places, secured lots of great jobs, set myself up as a freelancer, travelled around Europe by myself multiple times, took a great leap of faith and moved across the world to be with a man I'd just met and emigrated across the globe all by myself. 

And yet, for some reason, people don't think I'm capable of looking after myself. I asked my mum if I could be put on her car insurance when I return home and was met automatically with "well you haven't driven for a few years so..." thankfully I 86-ed that before she finished. I've had my license for over a decade but my parents don't think I can drive, they don't trust me. Always a kick in the balls, 

My friends and family also like to message and talk to each other about my behind my back, LOVE that one. 

Why do people feel they're allowed to talk to and treat me like crap?

Someone I know once told me I was hard to love, someone once told me I was the worst person I'd ever met and my mum's boyfriend once told me I should be in therapy for being such a cunt. 

That was a fun one. 

Side note, he's still friends with the cousin that left me homeless. And yet I'm the cunt? 

Now, is it because of my BPD that people feel that it's okay to talk to me like that? That people are convinced it's totally fine to talk to and treat me like a piece of trash, I don't know. But I do know that these are things that are unlikely to be said to someone who isn't mentally ill so, you know, maybe it is because I'm a borderline. 

Or maybe it's because I'm a cuntish bitch who's impossible to love, why knows?

and

Will I ever find love?

Jokes, read my last post for my response to that one

xXx

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