I don't have a title for this post but I am angry

Please forgive me for any typos in this post, I'm in Montreal and I can't work out how to use the keyboard properly 

As a borderline, I'm lucky enough to be able to experience a range and intensity of emotions so vast and eclectic that a good 90% of the time I have zero idea what they are. Having a brain that works this way is frustrating, but there's fuck all I can do about it so I just have to ride it out.

It may come as a surprise, but one of the emotions I enjoy feeling the most is anger. Why? Because when you live with a condition that causes you to feel things to such an intensity that it reverberates through your every cell, it's nice to be able to identify what you"re actually feeling. 

As you may have guessed, I'm feeling quite angry today. Or at least I was when I wrote this post on the train to Montreal yesterday. Lately, I've been working towards doing what a lot have people say I should be doing as standard and attempting to talk about my feelings. Whilst I'm giving myself snaps for giving it a go, I have to say that it really is complete and utter bullshit. 

When people ask if you want to talk about something, a significant percentage of the time they don't give a shit. Instead, what they're doing is making themselves feel better by acting like they care. They don't. Met with nothing but dismissal when you open up about how you're feeling? Bullshit. Being told that you shouldn't feel the way you do when someone asks how you are? Total crap. And let's not forget my personal favorite, being told how you feel. As a borderline, I can tell you that there really isn't a word for that one.

An example of people merely acting like they give a shit happened, happened not too long ago when I tried to talk to someone about my feelings towards money. 

Since I was a teenager, I have suffered from really bad financial anxiety. Having money freaks me out because I'm not used to it and, when I do, I spend it on things I don't need. This then plunges me back into being completely broke, only this time I can't afford the things I actually do need such as food, travel and my medication. When I just have enough money to get by, I spend money sensibly and the feeling of all-consuming guilt I experience when I spend money momentarily eases. 

Ah, borderline guilt. That's one for another day. 

When I mentioned to someone I was feeling like this they replied by saying that I should be grateful, as some people don't have a penny to their name. This wasn't exactly received with the most welcoming of arms I have to say. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful and thankful for my job that it took me ages to find and that I'm actually starting to enjoy again. What I'm not grateful for is the fact that I'm paid for it, because that's the entire point of having a job. 

Saying I should feel grateful for being paid for a job I do is like saying I should feel grateful for being clean once I get out of the shower. Yes, I'm grateful for access to the shower, for being able to afford the hot water and soap that may people don't have access to. What I'm not explicitly grateful is the fact that I'm clean, because that's the whole point of having a shower in the first place. 

Another example of people not giving a shit when they pretend to can be seen in my attempts to talk to or meet up with people. Now, I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that people have their own lives and other things going on and I would never dismiss or disregard that. Contrare to popular belief I'm not a complete selfish bitch. But when I'm the only one making the effort and I'm repeatedly being rejected or ignored, I'm starting to think that now might be the time to stop trying. Strangely, one of the people I'm most thankful for at the moment is someone who activly told me they didn't want me around. It's nice to actually know where I stand. 

To summarise this extremely transparent and not at all subtle post, I'm now adopting the way of thinking that simply says, if people don't make the effort to have me in their lives, I'm not going to make the effort to have them in mine. It's taking me a while to get there again, but I really think it's best for everyone involved. 

And please, please can people stop pretending that they care when they clearly don't give a shit. We both know you're lying you're really wasting everyone's time. 

xXx

Decisions decisions

I'm not feeling great today. I start work at 3:30 and, for some reason, I always struggle with days that give me my morning free. I feel in a sort of limbo as to what to do with the day that won't involve exhausting me/spending money that I don't have only to go to work for a few hours and not make it back. I'm fine once I get there, it's just the initial morning that I struggle with and I'm grateful for them in the end, as I know my apprehension is something I have to get over.

What's making me anxious this morning is, as always, thinking about my career. Writing is what I love to do and it's all I've ever wanted to do, but every time I sit and try to apply for a writing job my body tenses, my jaw locks and I'm filled with insecurities so intense I feel like a teenager again. I recently parted ways with a company I was freelancing for and it's knocked my confidence quite a lot. I'm not stressing over money, my rent and bills are paid and I'm actually happier and more content when I don't have any spare cash. If I don't have it, I don't want to spend it, so not having much in my bank account isn't actually bothering me at the moment.

Strange, I know.

My problem at the moment is that I have no one to talk to, no one I can hash out what I'm feeling without getting preachy and condescending responses. I don't want repeated answers of the same thing, I don't want to be treated like a child, I just want to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling about my career without judgement. I don't really have anyone to talk to about anything at the moment, and today it's making me feel a bit lost.

Feelings of insecurity are something I've always struggled with. Strangely, I'm quite a ballsy and confident person, but when it comes to my own abilities, I feel like nothing. Less than nothing. Few things make me happier than being locked away in my room, chained to my desk writing until my fingers don't make sense anymore but, for some reason, I'm plagued with insecurities whenever I try to do anything more than put words onto the screen. Writing makes me happy, it brings me so much joy, but for some reason, I can't feel comfortable in my abilities unless someone is paying me to do it. Despite having a job I quite enjoy and being comfortable with there being zero money in my bank account, I feel the need to be paid for what I do in order to feel validated.

When I got my first writing job I was excited, I thought I'd finally reached my goal of finding a "proper" job and that I was about to feel the validation I so desperately craved but, as it turns out, this wasn't the case. I don't know how much I liked it if I'm honest, but I know that it wasn't the job for me.

After I got back from travelling I started freelancing and I can honestly say it was one of the most stressful periods of my life. There is nothing quite as stressful as never knowing when you are about to lose your income. I was convinced every day that I sat at my desk at Secret Sales that someone was going to come over to me and fire me. Admittedly, I wasn't in the greatest place mental health-wise which didn't help, but it was still incredibly stressful. I don't know why, but I seem to need the validation of permanent employment to reassure me that I'm good at what I do.

I think part of this is because, when I was younger, I myself saw something wrong with people not working "proper" jobs. That somehow other people weren't doing as well and that I didn't want to be like them, not for once considering the fact that a) they were happy b) the job market is awful and c) that it was none of my fucking business. I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong, and I'll confirm that my beliefs were not only wrong but also incredibly bitchy.

My insecurities are something I'm going to carry with me wherever I go, they're something I know I need to work on but I'm aware that it's going to take time. Until then I'm just going to try and be a bit nicer to myself, whilst listening to The Doors because that always makes me happy.

xXx

No day but today

My Canadian visa runs out this year. I've been here since November 2018 and although it's been an experience, not a single part of me wants to apply for permanent residency. Not because of any particular reason, I just want to move on to something new.

However, I'm finding the idea of taking my next steps post-Toronto very stressful. As with everything, a lot of money will be involved in finding my next adventure, but my impending savings goal is not the only thing that's causing me confusion. You see, for so long, the idea of my having a future seemed bleak and non-existent and I had no picture of what would happen in a year, a month, or even a day. Now I know I have a future, I'm finding it hard to feel content.

Part of the reasoning for this is that my entire life seems to have been spent reaching for something new. In high school, I was fighting to reach my non-existent goal weight, in sixth form and college I was fighting to get into university. For the first two and a half years of university, I was fighting to complete my degree and for the last year and a half, I was fighting to put the man who raped me in prison. After that came my desperate attempts to find, what at the time I deemed to be, a "proper" job, but once I found the job I thought I wanted, I was hungry for something new.

You get the idea.

Having nothing to fight for seems alien to me. I'm not referring to the idea of possessions, I've turned into quite the minimalist since I've started to travel, but more of the idea that I'm not good enough. If I accept that I currently have nothing to work towards, am I telling myself that I'm happy to stay in a state of failure? Or am I not as much of a failure as I am used to thinking I am?

Once again, an alien concept.

My mum says that I don't need to be so "tough", that I don't always need to try so hard but even the concept of those two things doesn't make any sense to me. Whilst my past experiences would suggest that easing up on myself and admitting that things really are okay, I'm not used to being happy with myself and I have no idea how to be.

I decided to take January off from trying to work on my savings for my next step, mostly because I desperately needed a month off from worrying about money and I felt that paying off my credit card bill was a financial achievement in its own right. But, once the month is over, am I going to return to my state of feeling like a failure because I believe that what I'm fighting for is out of my reach? Or am I going to be able to accept that I'm doing okay, that it's okay to feel content and that, as with everything I've ever set my mind to, things will work out okay?

Stay tuned.

xXx

Is it because I'm a boarderline, or are you just an asshole? A discussion

The photo above has absolutely nothing to do with being annoyed, but it appeared in the search results when I typed pissed off into Piixabay, and it made me happy, so it's staying.

If I were to describe today's mood, it would be that of Gary from down the road when he discovered that his local kebab shop serves Halal meat. There's no one reason for my crankiness, more of a combination of things that seem to have reared their ugly head, much like the equally hideous and painful blisters that have recently appeared on my face, over the last few days.

Whoever said that acne disappeared when you left your teens was balls-out lying.

Anyway, one of the things on my mind today, that has been on my mind for a while actually, is the impossibility of my trying to discuss a situation, feeling or opinion with someone without them shooting me down. Without them telling me that it's not the right thing for me to do or think and that I should be doing something else with my life or thinking/acting a certain way. I'm not overly sure if this is a response to my condition, or because some people are just cunts.

A prime example of this actually happened a few years ago, when moving to Canada was first on my mind. A "friend" felt the need to tare me down because I'd gotten annoyed that she'd turned up 2 hours late for an event of her organisation after I'd walked to Liverpool Street Station from Hackney downs at 5 am to get to her. On top of this, it was deemed "shitty" that I hadn't greeted her significant other with open arms despite the amount of time she spent telling me what a cunt he way.

Why I would be nice to someone who hurt someone I cared about is beyond me, but apparently, that's what I was supposed to do.

Anyway, during this conversation, I inquired as to why the person in question had said she didn't think I should go to Canada, or why she felt the need to tell me I shouldn't do something like this in general. Last time I checked it was my life but, as I've mentioned above, sometimes it seems that people feel entitled to tell me I'm doing something wrong just because I often don't think or act in a way they think I should. Would they say this to someone who didn't experience similar symptoms to mine? I'm not sure, but I am sure that such opinions are vastly unwelcome.

The following examples also pertain to my moving to Toronto, but without specific examples.

When I first told people I was about to move, a lot of people felt the need to make negative comments. I'm not expecting everyone to be excited about my move, but shutting up is often preferable to saying something rude. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that Canada is an expensive place to live. Yes, I am also aware that it's cold. But do you know where else is expensive and cold? England, only this way I have the added benefit of getting to do something I"ve always wanted to do, whilst simultaneously making use of my equally stubborn and brave nature.

Next up, we have people who seemingly have a problem with the fact that bar having general ideas, I don't often have a concrete plan of what I want to do next. I'm sorry, is the fact that I'm not 100% sure where I want to move to after my Canadian visa has run out any of your business? I don't remember it being, but seeing as a lot of people I know feel the need to drop their 2 cents in, despite not being brave enough to emigrate themselves despite constantly complaining about their current living situation, maybe I missed the memo. Just because my plan isn't concrete, or even remotely the same as yours, doesn't mean there's something wrong with it.

I'm going to write another post in a similar vein to this, predominately on people projecting their fear of taking risks on to me, but for now, I'm going to enjoy my herbal tea while I remember that it's my life, and no one else's, and I can do whatever I fucking want with it.

xXx

The conversation that needs to be had

A woman came into the news recently because she retracted her statement claiming that she had been gang-raped. I'm not 100% sure of the details so I can't comment on her case specifically, but my opinions on the subject still matter.

My opinion may be different given my perspective on this issue, but there are few people in my eyes as scummy and repulsive as people who make fake rape claims. How dare you? How fucking dare you? You are the reason that the world keeps quiet because they're scared of not being believed. You are the reason that rapists walk free. You make up these stories for whatever reason and because of you people will continue to be assaulted and raped. The world will continue to suffer because of people like you.

I had a conversation with someone last night who said that they feel sorry for the woman involved in the situation in question, and I was so angry that I said I wouldn't have the conversation with them, with anyone at all, but that's not true. This is a conversation that needs to be had and I will continue to have it until my perspective is no longer shocking. What are people scared of? I was scared. I put my life on hold to make sure no one was at risk anymore. I changed the world. I kept people safe and you're telling me that you feel bad for someone who is being punished for lying, for retracting their statement? It's not a case of character, of not wanting their lives to be upturned for the sake of making someone pay for their actions. If you care more about yourself more than the lives of others, I don't know what to say to you.

In the latest season of you *spoiler alert* a woman is reluctant to report a paedophile because of what the media will say. Really? You would rather save face than keep people safe? What the fuck is wrong with you? For ages, I said I was glad it was me. I was happy that it was me instead of someone who wouldn't have been strong enough to make sure the man that raped me never hurt anyone again. Bullshit, fucking bullshit. I don't care who you are, you should, as a human being, want to keep people safe.

One of my pet peeves is celebrities that claim they have been raped or assaulted in the past. What, you were worried your career was at risk? You would rather become famous than make sure it didn't happen to anyone else? There is no excuse there. I did it, I kept people safe. You don't get to use a desire to have the career of your dreams as a means of justifying the fact that you didn't want the people in question to pay for what they did.

I did it, everyone else is just as capable as me as reporting people. Not everyone will be brought to justice, but people will know.

No more excuses.

xXx

My top five favourite albums, for absolutely no reason

As a result of the fact that I haven't even remotely been taking care of myself lately, haven't eaten an hot meal since Tuesday and managed to sleep for nearly 36 hours, I need cheering up today, so I'm going to write a post that really doesn't mean anything, but it's fun. I present to you, five of my favourite albums. In no particular order.

The Killers, Sams Town 

You ever remember the first time you heard a song? When, regardless of how long ago or obscure the memory is, the fucker is still there? The day I heard this song it was cunting it down, truly cunting it down. I was walking home from school in the rain and I remember being particularly pissed at my cousin's boyfriend at the time for driving past me without offering to give me a ride.

The perils of the personalised number plate. I knew your car Johnathon.

Anyway, I got home, soaked and sat on my living room floor, wrapped in towels watching TV and then When you were young started to play. I don't remember exactly why I liked it. Maybe it was the video, maybe it was the song itself, who knows, but I loved it and, subsequently, the album.

Maroon 5, Songs about Jane

This one I don't remember the day, but I do remember the song. She Will Be loved, which my angst ridden pre-diagnosis brain, related to as I had already subconsciously decided that all I wanted in the entire world was to feel like I was loved. From that spurned a love of the album, that I'd listen to over and over and over again regardless of the fact that a) I didn't really understand any of the lyrics and b) even if I did I really shouldn't have been singing them. It produced some of the greatest tunes of my youth and for that, I thank it.

Placebo, Meds 

My actual first encounter with Placebo didn't start with this particular album, but with a mix CD I somehow managed to steal off a guy I had a massive crush on in year 7 on a bus ride to a school trip to Pleasure Wood Hills (hi Sean, by the way). It contained the glories of Welcome to My life by Simple Plan and the iconic Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance and I will forever be thankful for the guy that I may or may not take some time to Facebook stalk later on this afternoon.

The first album from them I then came to posses, a birthday present from my mum's boyfriend, was Meds. If I'm honest, the most recently released album of theirs I actually liked and the disk that allowed my to first here a version of Pierrot the Clown with such a spectacular note change that I've replayed on Youtube more times than I can count. It's beautiful, and I would still bone the shit out of Brian Molko.

No Doubt, Rock Steady 

Fun fact, this is the first album I ever bought. I'd been searching for Dirty by Christina Aguilera on single (fuck my life that makes me feel old) but it hadn't been released yet. Instead I went to my second choice and found Hey Baby on the aforementioned album and No Doubt was purchased instead. 

The Velvet Underground, The Velvet Underground 

We return once again to remembering the first moment we ever heard a song, and therefore remembering the first time I heard an album. I was balls deep in the first round of my eating disorder, walking around the outside of a rug that had once lived in my living room and sobbing to myself listening to Candy Says. The opening line, Candy Says, I've come to hate my body was the only way I could think to describe how I felt about, funnily enough, my body. My mum was ill, I was ill, and the desire to lose pound after pound after pound was relentless. I'm not going to go into my eating disorder right now, this is not want this post was about but, that song, I still and will always love.

It's about a woman named Candy Darling btw, just incase you were wondering. 

xXx

Proximity

I want to do my best to post a little more throughout December, a 12 days of blogmas if you will. I can't promise I'll get through a full 12 but, to kick things off, here's a guest post from the author of the crime thriller novel Proximity, Jen Tugwell. 

Proximity: A crime thriller set in a world that suffocates us in safety by Jem Tugwell

When I wrote my debut novel, Proximity, I was worrying about where the current technology advances would take us, and how a government might misuse it to suffocate us in safety.

Sound farfetched? In the last few days, I’ve been warned that my hot drink is hot. Warned to hold onto the handrail on the stairs. Warned at an indoor ski-centre with real snow, that snow is slippery.

These days, technology is at the heart of everything, but rather than focussing solely on the technology, Proximity is a thriller that uses it to add another dimension to the crime story. 

The technology imagined in Proximity provides the convenience of no keys, no identity theft and no passwords to remember. The characters are healthier because their calorie and fat levels are monitored, and their hearts are constantly scanned for issues. Because the government knows where they are all of the time, the police solve nearly every crime very easily. Murders, mugging, stabbings and theft drop to nearly zero when the perpetrator is guaranteed to get caught. 

So far so good.

But, like in real life, political expediency overwhelms the naivety of scientists and technologists. A system designed to enhance people’s lives, becomes a control system.

Fiction mirrors fact as the physical person and their data twin are more and more inseparable. I hope that Proximity challenges the reader to recognise the importance of their data and the potential implications of sharing it.

The main plot of Proximity is a crime thriller. It is designed to be a fast-paced, entertaining read, but during the police investigation into a ‘impossible’ killing, Proximity asks the reader to think about how technology might be used and abused. 

How would you feel if the government collected data of your activity levels, your intake of calories, alcohol, fat, etc.? It would allow health professionals to make you healthier. Insurance companies would reward you with lower premiums. Great, but things can easily turn, so that medical professionals and insurers use our data against us. What if they think you are taking too many risks? Will they claim that your illness is ’self-inflicted’ and use it as a justification for denial of service? Will the reward for healthy behaviour become an obligation? Will it be ‘no insurance unless you conform’? Is a longer, dull life better than a shorter, more exciting one?

Proximity allows an examination of how our lives might look inside a fast-paced crime thriller. The positives and negatives. The moral dilemmas. It is a near-future could be just a few steps away. Almost an alternate now - a world where, 'You can't get away with anything. Least of all murder.' Hopefully, it doesn’t act as a design template for our politicians.