No day but today

My Canadian visa runs out this year. I've been here since November 2018 and although it's been an experience, not a single part of me wants to apply for permanent residency. Not because of any particular reason, I just want to move on to something new.

However, I'm finding the idea of taking my next steps post-Toronto very stressful. As with everything, a lot of money will be involved in finding my next adventure, but my impending savings goal is not the only thing that's causing me confusion. You see, for so long, the idea of my having a future seemed bleak and non-existent and I had no picture of what would happen in a year, a month, or even a day. Now I know I have a future, I'm finding it hard to feel content.

Part of the reasoning for this is that my entire life seems to have been spent reaching for something new. In high school, I was fighting to reach my non-existent goal weight, in sixth form and college I was fighting to get into university. For the first two and a half years of university, I was fighting to complete my degree and for the last year and a half, I was fighting to put the man who raped me in prison. After that came my desperate attempts to find, what at the time I deemed to be, a "proper" job, but once I found the job I thought I wanted, I was hungry for something new.

You get the idea.

Having nothing to fight for seems alien to me. I'm not referring to the idea of possessions, I've turned into quite the minimalist since I've started to travel, but more of the idea that I'm not good enough. If I accept that I currently have nothing to work towards, am I telling myself that I'm happy to stay in a state of failure? Or am I not as much of a failure as I am used to thinking I am?

Once again, an alien concept.

My mum says that I don't need to be so "tough", that I don't always need to try so hard but even the concept of those two things doesn't make any sense to me. Whilst my past experiences would suggest that easing up on myself and admitting that things really are okay, I'm not used to being happy with myself and I have no idea how to be.

I decided to take January off from trying to work on my savings for my next step, mostly because I desperately needed a month off from worrying about money and I felt that paying off my credit card bill was a financial achievement in its own right. But, once the month is over, am I going to return to my state of feeling like a failure because I believe that what I'm fighting for is out of my reach? Or am I going to be able to accept that I'm doing okay, that it's okay to feel content and that, as with everything I've ever set my mind to, things will work out okay?

Stay tuned.

xXx