Fantasy or flagellation?

On today's episode of weird royalty-free images, I present a woman sat on a rock with a tiger. Found after typing love into the search bar. 

I've just finished reading a Vice article that discussed why we fall for people that don't love us back. While it ended terribly as a significant percentage of Vice articles do, the topic itself really hit home. Of all the things I'm guilty of, falling head over heels for people who don't feel the same way about me is something I can relate to.

Whilst the article didn't really discuss or address why we do this, all it really did was tell people to fuck the person you're in love with as a means of getting the fantasy out of your head, the actual act of falling for someone who doesn't return your feelings is something I've tried to figure out time and time again. Why do I do it? Why can I not nip things in the bud the second I realise they're not going anywhere? I'm not oblivious to the fact that it's a borderline thing, the connection between love, pain and rejection is a key component within BPD, but that doesn't necessarily mean I understand why I do it.

When you fall for someone who doesn't return your feelings, what you're really doing is telling yourself, and them, that your feelings don't matter. This is especially true if you continue to spend time with them, which I always, always do. I was with my ex on and off for about 3 years and, despite the fact that we did each and everything that couples do together, he never admitted that he felt anything for me. Whether he did or not I really don't know and, as we haven't seen or spoken to each other in over 2 years, I'm never going to find out. What I do know however is that, right from the beginning, I should have bolted when I had the chance.

Another thing I'm guilty of is spending time with people who's company causes me pain. With people who I'm not happy around. I've recently worked out that there are multiple reasons for this. One is that, in true borderline style, I can't bring myself to let go of a relationship no matter how toxic it is for fear of being alone. Not only this, but I always feel I deserve to be unhappy because of how little I think of myself. For whatever reason, I feel as if I don't deserve to be happy, don't deserve to be loved.

Not only am I guilty of allowing myself to be put into these situations, but I'm also guilty of allowing people to keep me a secret. Of allowing people to hide me away without acknowledging the connection we have, either to others or ourselves. When I was in high school, someone told me they liked me but wouldn't let me tell anyone else, presumably because they were embarrassed by the fact that they had feelings for me. At the time I didn't really think much of it but, in reality, it's kind of a dick move.

Ironically, since then he's slid into my dms on more than one occasion trying to get into my pants, most recently when he had a long term girlfriend. Ah, dating in your twenties.

When I think of the things I've put up with in the past, I really could kick myself. When I first moved here I developed feelings for an absolute twat that I, bizarrely, still talk to and actually met for coffee earlier this week. He cheated on his girlfriend when we hooked up, lied about spending time with me and told me that my hugging him was "too much", in fear that someone might, I don't know, see I guess.

He's also a pathological liar and has recently been added to my list of things that need to stay in 2019.

What I can't work out though, is why I do this to myself. Why do I continuously allow myself to be put in situations where I feel like utter shit in fear of the alternative being alone? It's painful for me to type this, I can't say it out loud and it's a lot for me to write the words, but I would like to be with someone right now. Even typing the words I'm justifying in my head why I shouldn't be able to. After all, I always believe that I deserve to be treated badly, but in reality, I don't. There are a lot of things I need to work on in order to fully be happy with myself, but my tendency to inadvertently cause myself pain by allowing other people to hurt me really has to stop.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

xXx