Decisions decisions

I'm not feeling great today. I start work at 3:30 and, for some reason, I always struggle with days that give me my morning free. I feel in a sort of limbo as to what to do with the day that won't involve exhausting me/spending money that I don't have only to go to work for a few hours and not make it back. I'm fine once I get there, it's just the initial morning that I struggle with and I'm grateful for them in the end, as I know my apprehension is something I have to get over.

What's making me anxious this morning is, as always, thinking about my career. Writing is what I love to do and it's all I've ever wanted to do, but every time I sit and try to apply for a writing job my body tenses, my jaw locks and I'm filled with insecurities so intense I feel like a teenager again. I recently parted ways with a company I was freelancing for and it's knocked my confidence quite a lot. I'm not stressing over money, my rent and bills are paid and I'm actually happier and more content when I don't have any spare cash. If I don't have it, I don't want to spend it, so not having much in my bank account isn't actually bothering me at the moment.

Strange, I know.

My problem at the moment is that I have no one to talk to, no one I can hash out what I'm feeling without getting preachy and condescending responses. I don't want repeated answers of the same thing, I don't want to be treated like a child, I just want to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling about my career without judgement. I don't really have anyone to talk to about anything at the moment, and today it's making me feel a bit lost.

Feelings of insecurity are something I've always struggled with. Strangely, I'm quite a ballsy and confident person, but when it comes to my own abilities, I feel like nothing. Less than nothing. Few things make me happier than being locked away in my room, chained to my desk writing until my fingers don't make sense anymore but, for some reason, I'm plagued with insecurities whenever I try to do anything more than put words onto the screen. Writing makes me happy, it brings me so much joy, but for some reason, I can't feel comfortable in my abilities unless someone is paying me to do it. Despite having a job I quite enjoy and being comfortable with there being zero money in my bank account, I feel the need to be paid for what I do in order to feel validated.

When I got my first writing job I was excited, I thought I'd finally reached my goal of finding a "proper" job and that I was about to feel the validation I so desperately craved but, as it turns out, this wasn't the case. I don't know how much I liked it if I'm honest, but I know that it wasn't the job for me.

After I got back from travelling I started freelancing and I can honestly say it was one of the most stressful periods of my life. There is nothing quite as stressful as never knowing when you are about to lose your income. I was convinced every day that I sat at my desk at Secret Sales that someone was going to come over to me and fire me. Admittedly, I wasn't in the greatest place mental health-wise which didn't help, but it was still incredibly stressful. I don't know why, but I seem to need the validation of permanent employment to reassure me that I'm good at what I do.

I think part of this is because, when I was younger, I myself saw something wrong with people not working "proper" jobs. That somehow other people weren't doing as well and that I didn't want to be like them, not for once considering the fact that a) they were happy b) the job market is awful and c) that it was none of my fucking business. I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong, and I'll confirm that my beliefs were not only wrong but also incredibly bitchy.

My insecurities are something I'm going to carry with me wherever I go, they're something I know I need to work on but I'm aware that it's going to take time. Until then I'm just going to try and be a bit nicer to myself, whilst listening to The Doors because that always makes me happy.

xXx