Let's not push that button

Once again, an inexplicable image that turns up when you type a word into Pixabay. This time, it was slip.

Have you ever read Lolita? Humbert Humbert, trying to convince the reader he's a good person despite being a raging paedophile. An unreliable narrator, as the analysts say, and the catalyst for a post that may or may not make any sense.

As a borderline, I never know whether or not what I'm feeling is the right thing. I rationalise my feelings despite them having no relation to what other people may expect me to feel. Fallen over on my way to work? It's because I had breakfast that day. Being raped by a complete stranger? The fault of his actions instead of my own.

Freudian slip time, I actually typed "my actions" first instead of his

What I'm trying to work out today is how my personality and thought process may or may not lead to be considered an unreliable narrator in my own story. What is it that I'm trying to say? Do I have anything to say? Is my balls-out determination to refuse to let the life of a borderline be hidden in shadows that may or may not exist who I am? Or is it irrelevant?

I'm currently watching You, and there's a character in it that talks about developing your own brand. What is mine? Is it crazy? Is it borderline? Is it that of a woman that was raped who can never let go of the fact that I was raped? Who knows if I'm meant to get over it, I thought I was. I used to joke during the trial that I'd rather I deal with it now than while I served a three-course dinner to a non-existent family, dropping a turkey and falling into hysterical tears because I hid what I was feeling from the world. What constitutes dealing with things? I don't know and I don't know if I ever will.

Or do I? Who knows.

There's nothing reliable about being borderline, I can't control it and I never will be able to. Is that all that I am? Some days yes and I'm fully aware that I've asked a lot of questions in this post. I don't know, maybe I never will, but do I really need to find out if I'm more than who I think I am?

My mum thinks so, but that's another story.

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