I don't have a title for this post but I am angry

Please forgive me for any typos in this post, I'm in Montreal and I can't work out how to use the keyboard properly 

As a borderline, I'm lucky enough to be able to experience a range and intensity of emotions so vast and eclectic that a good 90% of the time I have zero idea what they are. Having a brain that works this way is frustrating, but there's fuck all I can do about it so I just have to ride it out.

It may come as a surprise, but one of the emotions I enjoy feeling the most is anger. Why? Because when you live with a condition that causes you to feel things to such an intensity that it reverberates through your every cell, it's nice to be able to identify what you"re actually feeling. 

As you may have guessed, I'm feeling quite angry today. Or at least I was when I wrote this post on the train to Montreal yesterday. Lately, I've been working towards doing what a lot have people say I should be doing as standard and attempting to talk about my feelings. Whilst I'm giving myself snaps for giving it a go, I have to say that it really is complete and utter bullshit. 

When people ask if you want to talk about something, a significant percentage of the time they don't give a shit. Instead, what they're doing is making themselves feel better by acting like they care. They don't. Met with nothing but dismissal when you open up about how you're feeling? Bullshit. Being told that you shouldn't feel the way you do when someone asks how you are? Total crap. And let's not forget my personal favorite, being told how you feel. As a borderline, I can tell you that there really isn't a word for that one.

An example of people merely acting like they give a shit happened, happened not too long ago when I tried to talk to someone about my feelings towards money. 

Since I was a teenager, I have suffered from really bad financial anxiety. Having money freaks me out because I'm not used to it and, when I do, I spend it on things I don't need. This then plunges me back into being completely broke, only this time I can't afford the things I actually do need such as food, travel and my medication. When I just have enough money to get by, I spend money sensibly and the feeling of all-consuming guilt I experience when I spend money momentarily eases. 

Ah, borderline guilt. That's one for another day. 

When I mentioned to someone I was feeling like this they replied by saying that I should be grateful, as some people don't have a penny to their name. This wasn't exactly received with the most welcoming of arms I have to say. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful and thankful for my job that it took me ages to find and that I'm actually starting to enjoy again. What I'm not grateful for is the fact that I'm paid for it, because that's the entire point of having a job. 

Saying I should feel grateful for being paid for a job I do is like saying I should feel grateful for being clean once I get out of the shower. Yes, I'm grateful for access to the shower, for being able to afford the hot water and soap that may people don't have access to. What I'm not explicitly grateful is the fact that I'm clean, because that's the whole point of having a shower in the first place. 

Another example of people not giving a shit when they pretend to can be seen in my attempts to talk to or meet up with people. Now, I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that people have their own lives and other things going on and I would never dismiss or disregard that. Contrare to popular belief I'm not a complete selfish bitch. But when I'm the only one making the effort and I'm repeatedly being rejected or ignored, I'm starting to think that now might be the time to stop trying. Strangely, one of the people I'm most thankful for at the moment is someone who activly told me they didn't want me around. It's nice to actually know where I stand. 

To summarise this extremely transparent and not at all subtle post, I'm now adopting the way of thinking that simply says, if people don't make the effort to have me in their lives, I'm not going to make the effort to have them in mine. It's taking me a while to get there again, but I really think it's best for everyone involved. 

And please, please can people stop pretending that they care when they clearly don't give a shit. We both know you're lying you're really wasting everyone's time. 

xXx