TW: This post talks a lot about eating disorders, diet pills, bingeing, purging, laxative abuse and poop. If this is going to make you feel uncomfortable in any way, I've got plenty of others for you to choose from.
When my eating disorder was just a baby, a few years in if you will, I discovered diet pills. Not the kind you get a prescription for or buy over the counter, but ones that you pick up from chemists in their Weight Loss section. Easy for anyone to buy, and relatively cheap.
I'm not going to go into the names of these tablets or where I bought them, as they're far too dangerous in my opinion, but one was supposed to be taken before every meal to increase fibre intake, and to this day I'm still not sure what the other one was meant to do. I just assumed it would help me lose weight and so I took it. Because these tablets were so readily available, I thought they were perfectly harmless and saw no trouble in how many I was taking. As a result of this, I didn't notice when I slowly began to abuse them.
Fast forward a few years and I left the diet pill life behind, but not before trying a few more brands. There was nothing specific that made me pull the plug, aside from a particularly uncomfortable incident with a pill I bought online that I'm still convinced was speed, it just didn't appeal to me anymore.
What I moved onto, however, was far FAR less pleasant.
A large part of my eating disorder involved extended periods of bingeing and at one point I suffered from binge eating disorder. When I started to binge eat again, I was terrified of falling back down the rabbit hole and started taking laxatives. Once again convinced that they wouldn't do me any harm because I bought them at my local chemist.
Oh, how wrong I was.
I'm not going to go into details, as I don't want to educate people on how to do what I was doing to my body. But even when I shit myself in my kitchen, I still didn't see the problem.
Thankfully I realised how damaging this particular drug habit was and put a stop to it, happy that I'd never have to experience the pain, embarrassment and discomfort caused my mass laxative abuse again. My body, however, seems to feel differently about this, and I'm 100% paying the price now.
To put it simply, I've done some serious damage to my insides by putting it through such torture. My stomach reacts to everything, I can no longer wear jeans or anything close fitting when I sit down as I can balloon without warning, leaving me filled with painful wind and unbearable cramps. I also suffer from heartburn and indigestion and frequently find my throat tasting like shit because of the damage I've done to my stomach. I go from having painful constipation to prolonged periods of diarrhoea and I'm always in some kind of discomfort, to the point that it regularly stops me from sleeping. When we talk about eating disorders we tend to think of the damage being severely malnourished can do to your body. It never even occurred to me that I could be causing myself any long-term harm.
I never usually end my blogs with notes about spreading the word or what to do if you're in a similar situation, but this one is a little different. Heed my warning, take my advice, and leave the laxatives and diet pills alone. Whatever you're doing to your body today, could severely impact your health later on.
And shitting yourself is never fun.